There are many things that will…

Whoa!! Could you back off a little? Your breath is fucking staggering!

That’s better. What was I saying? Oh yes.

There are many things that will get you a punch in the mouth in modern Britain.

• Saying you voted for Boris but not in an ironical way.
• Saying you really like Phil Collins but not in an ironical way.
• Saying anything, ironical or not, when stood less that a centimetre from the end of a strangers nose.

Yep, that last one is a sure fire way to get a punch in the mouth. It’s because we all love our *personal space* and we hate it when it’s *invaded*.

Just ask any commuter on the London Underground. There’s no talking, no eye contact, so we can all pretend that we’re travelling in our own personal golden carriage and not the mass transit equivalent of a Turkish masseur’s armpit - which, occasion on the Northern Line, is what your face is actually in.

Some people like to use our fear of personal space invasion to their advantage. I worked with a guy who used to stand so close you could check your hair in the reflection on his eyeballs. He thought standing so close that it made you wonder whether he was going to plant a sloppy great wet one on you or not was a fool proof way for him to get you to do whatever he wanted.

I punched him in the mouth 6 times in 3 months.

This is something that…

Crickey! Sorry you’ve come a bit too close again. Go on, move away from the screen.

Brushing your teeth once in a while wouldn’t kill you, you know?

Anyway, our hatred of people standing too close to us is something that Wrigleys seem to have forgotten about in their new Extra chewing gum advert.

You know the one in which a room full of strangers all stand an inch apart from each other then stare freakishly into each others eyes. Wrigleys seem to think that we don’t all go round in each others pockets simply because we don’t like peoples’ bad breath (which, you should note, is true enough) and not because, in reality, having someone stand that close to you makes you feel more uncomfortable than watching a skin-flick with your parents - and one that stars your parents at that.

God, even just watching this advert makes me feel violated. And I’m not alone, the look on the face of the dark haired woman toward the end of the ad says (Although I’m smiling, come any closer and I will hurt you).

Which is why I think this advert deserves its place here on TWA. I’m fairly certain that any advert that leaves me feeling so repulsed by what’s being advertised that I want to punch someone in the mouth and…

Look, I’ll ask you one last time. Please, back off a bit from the screen!

What did you have for you tea last night? Dog shit in a bap?

I deserved that.

As I said, there are many things that will get you a punch in the mouth in modern Britain.

Thanks to Bina for submitting this bad ad.