As the Tesco war machine marches on Argos, spear-heading the attack is Martine “Does my bum look big in this. Yes because it’s huge” McCutcheon. Oh, and that bloke from Spooks.

Martine spent many years in Eastenders, playing Judy to Ross Kemp‘s Punch. And thankfully, she didn’t waste her time in the company of the master. She spent those days polishing her acting skills until she got a shine on them much like you get on the proverbial turd. Only slightly duller.

Where as Kemp’s acting is cardboard cutout, McCutcheon’s is full on wooden.

When faced with a particularly challenging scene, she draws inspiration from an alter-ego she has created called Marine McButtcheek – a failed actress and singer on the slag-heap of life. This inspiration nearly always manifests itself as a huge wooden arse on legs, topped off with a pearly white rictus smile. The desire never to become Marine produces some of Martine’s finest work.

And so it is in the latest advert for Tesco Direct.

From the way she staggers through her “Very Romantic” line like Stephen Hawking with a flat battery, I can only presume that the joined up writing on her cue cards was a. bit. too. hard. to. read.

Shame on you, Martine. Shame. If Kemp were alive today, he’d be rolling in his grave.

To be fair to her, maybe she’s struggling with nerves because she’s in the company of a horrific letch (who’s quite clearly set up the date with the sole intent to sexually assault poor, bumper-butted Martine).

But what amazes me most though, is that Tesco has enough money to corrupt some of the greats in the British entertainment game (Sir Terry Wogan, Lord Ronnie Corbett and, er, Jimmy Nesbitt) so why didn’t they try and get someone who can at least read half-a-dozen lines of script?

Surely Patsy Palmer would have been available?

Judge for yourself.