Ah School. Wasn’t it great?

All that learning, school dinners, rugby on a winter’s day, everyone wanking on a digestive then making the new boy eat it.

Magical times, I think you’ll agree.

Of all my many cherished school day memories the one thing I don’t recall though are highly motivated teachers. They may well have started off their careers thinking “Yeah, I’m going to shape the minds of future generations” but by 20 past 9 on their first day, that do-good attitude was out the window.

Along with their briefcase and car keys. Oh and Baines the swot. And the waste paper bin with the burning bag of dog shit in it.

But these memories aren’t unique to me. This kind of behaviour continues to happen in schools up and down the land.

Why? You might ask. Because children are bastards, especially when they’re in packs.

So teachers have to devise a strategy to get them through until 3:25pm. At my school the teachers dealt with our bad behaviour by playing the “detention” card.

If you put a foot wrong (or even just accidentally hit the Headmaster with a wayward round from your air-rifle during geography) you would be sent to detention.

By the time half-term came round, teachers nerves were frayed worse than an ageing hippy’s favourite poncho and even asking the simplest of questions could land you in detention. Here are a few common scenes:

“Sir, what is dark matter?”
“Detention!”

“Sir, why doesn’t water run down the plughole the other way?”
“Detention!”

“Sir, what’s the difference between dust and fluff?”
“You can ask me anything and that’s your question?”
“Yes.”
“Honestly?”
“Yes.”
“Detention!”

So when advertising teaching positions, unless you are planning on staffing your schools with either sadist or masochists, you have to, not so much lie, as massively deceive your potential applicants.

Hence the governments “Work with the most inventive people in the world” and “Work with the world’s most enquiring minds” and “Work with some of the funniest people in the world” advertising campaign.

Obviously after watching the adverts these should be “Work with some of the most ridiculous people in the world” (a solar powered killing sheep?) and “Work with some of the people who don’t listen in class because they’re too busy showing their mate a happy-slapping video they recorded on the way to school then ask really basic questions” (How do we make sweets?) and “Work with some of the mentalist people in the world” (as laughing manically doesn’t mean you’re funny it means you’re simple in the brain).

It think it would be more honest if the teacher adverts were more like the current British Army adverts:

“We’ve been holed-up in the staff room for two weeks now. We’re down to half a cup of coffee and one Werthers a day. But we’ve got a plan. Find out how this film ends at BritishTeachers.com”.

Or maybe:

“I’m Mr Jenkins, head of history. I’ve been patrolling this playground for 5 years. I’ve got 2 other history teachers under my command. I’m responsible for everything they… Mr Williams! Don’t kick that ball! Find out how this film ends at BritishTeachers.com”.

Now that would surely be a far more accurate picture of teaching?

Thanks to Anton for submitting this bad ad.