Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, baked beans and Spam.

Who doesn’t love Spam?

Well, me for one - I’ve had to temporarily disable the Submit a Bad Ad due to inbox crashing Russian Spam. Sorry.

But I’m not a lover of the edible Spam either. In fact, I wasn’t entirely sure what Spam was until I looked it up on the quite excellent Spam.com.

Apparently, it’s pork and ham with just a tiny amount of sodium nitrite to keep its gorgeous pink colour. Yummy!

But here’s a thing, Spam has an identity problem. Surely the only people who actually eat Spam are the ones who’ve eaten the wrapping of all the other food but, God damn it, are still hungry!

“I guess we’ll have to have the Spam then…”

Yes, nobody really likes Spam. Nobody with any taste buds anyway.

But Spam are trying to change all that with their Spam Up adverts:

Here’s a funny thing though, do you know why my wife divorced me? Because I took her out for a slap up Spam dinner for out silver wedding anniversary.

That’s obviously not true, I’ve not quite old enough for a silver wedding anniversary. No, it was because I slept with her sister. But I’m fairly certain that treating your wife to a Spam anniversary dinner would also end in divorce.

Also, if you’ve raised your child to think that a Spam burger is a *treat* social services need to be called in. That is a clear indicator of deep rooted child abuse.

No, well looked after, child would ever say “Wow, Spam!” in the same way they would “Wow, sweets!”.

Never. Going. To. Happen.

And I think it’s fair to say Spam should try to steer clear of any associations with “eating a horse” when mentioning it’s product.

But worst of all about this advert, although not scoring quite as highly as Moonpig.com on the “cat claws on black board” scale, is the song.

I think it’s based on a pun around the football chant “Stand up if you hate <enter team name here>”.

But God, it’s so horrible a tune I’ve had to stuff my ears with corned beef just to ease my suffering.

Maybe if they want to sell Spam in the UK they need to buy the rights from Monty Python for the Spam clip. Sales would go through the roof! You’d definitely get you money back and more, Spam.

So come on Spam, give us what we want “Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, baked beans and Spam”!

For all those Spam lovers:

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