We had a bank holiday over here in the UK this week which means getting stuck for hours on a congested motorway, a visit to the seaside even though it’s minus 5 degrees and pelting it down, or going to one of the great bank holiday super-bargain mega-saver give-aways at the shops (or in fact, all three).

Nowhere in good old Blighty are these give-aways more prevalent than at sofa shops. And here’s the first rule of the sofa flogging game, if you want to succeed it’s important to have a name that’s an abbreviation but no-one must be allowed to know what it stands for. That’s why SCS (”Seriously Cheap Sofas” ??) and DFS (”Discount Furniture Store” ??) are the *big two* sofa players.

The second rule is when it comes to adverts you’ve got to have a dodgy rip-off of a well know song. And when it comes to dodgy rip-off’s of well known songs the king has to be the DFS’s Subterranean Homesick Blues rip off. A rip-off so bad, it has to be seen to be believed. (As far as I can tell from my extensive research, an advert that sadly has not been preserved for posterity. If anyone finds it, please post a link in the comments!)

The third rule is basing your advertising campaigns around the fact your sofas are half price, sometimes you even have to go as far as giving “Double Discounts”! In fact as far as I can tell their sofa’s are constantly at half price. I’d love to know how long you have to have an item advertised at full price for the them to claim the prices they advertise are actually *half price*. I’m guessing it must be somewhere approaching 1 full second.

If you do buy an sofa from either SCS or DFS at full price you must qualify for the title “Unluckiest Person in Britain”.

Here’s the fourth rule, and the reason why I’ve chosen to induct SCS into the TWA Hall of Shame, you’ve got to have a celebrity in your advret. DFS’s had Linda Barker but SCS have Steve Owen Martin Kemp.

Yes, Steve Owen Martin Kemp of ex-Spandau Ballet fame. Interestingly Spandau Ballet are are named after some graffiti seen on a lavatory wall, which presumably is where Steve Owen Martin Kemp also found the telephone number of his acting teacher.

As Martin Kemp Steve Owen in Eastenders, he was a cheeky cockney with a temper but a disarming smile and he wooed the nation. And just as his smile wooed us the public, so a big cheque from ITV wooed him (see what I’ve done there?). It was at this time that SCS decided to sign up Steve Martin as the face of their adverts, on what must be a water-tight, 25 year contract.

As for his ITV acting career Steve Martin appeared in some instantly forgettable drama (probably in which his child/wife was terminally ill and he needed to be cheeky but with a temper/sad but with a disarming smile) and was never seen again.

Except in the SCS adverts!

Oh and how he seems to love them. Delivering his lines through all but gritted teeth (whilst never losing his disarming smile) he knows his acting career is in a Spandau toilet. And no amount of discounting will get it back.

Judge for yourself.