Scholl - Nail Brightening System
5 June 2008 by SilkyHave I ever told you about an ex-girlfriend of mine? She was probably the most attractive woman I’ve ever seen. It was like dating Nicole Kidman to the power of Charlize Theron.
Happy times.
In fact this girl was so beautiful that I forgave her the fact she stole thousands of pounds worth of jewellery from my parents - then forgave her again for selling said jewellery to pay for her crack addiction.
And her body was so fine (this was possibly due to her crack addition because she ate like a horse) that I forgave her for her extreme hatred foreigners and all things foreign. I swear she’d only eat “English Fries” and when she was drunk she’d claim she had “English Courage”. She also complained to BT about their insistence on using “Telegraph Poles” because “it’s not like their aren’t enough of them over here already”.
I had to dump her, though.
Yeah, it was a shame, and this might make me *picky*, but her toe nails weren’t quite shiny enough for my liking.
Now that might not sound like much but when I tell you that they were “unsightly and discoloured” I think you’ll change your mind.
Her toe nails were so bad that during sex I insisted she hide them by keeping her socks on because I found the dullness so repulsive I could hardly keep my tea down. And nobody likes it when their partner indulges in post-coital vomiting – it does nothing for their self-esteem, at least, it’s never done anything for mine.
At the time I was amazed at the number of my friends that said things like “You’re mental! Who even notices how shiny toe nails are?” and “Your whole belief system if completely arse about tit!”.
And, yes, you might call me shallow or even amoral but sometimes a man has to stand up for he believes:
Theft, drug addiction and extreme right-wing beliefs I can forgive.
But not quite shiny enough toe nails? Oh no, no, no.
So thank the fuck for Scholl’s latest product - the Nail Brightening System.
Right, I’m off to Boots to buy some of this “woman perfecter in a pot” and hope my ex hasn’t married her pimp just like she kept threatening to do.
Just How Bad is this Ad?
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13Responses:
Jonny Chestwig
June 5th, 2008 9:29 pm
Agreed, totally moronic. Mind you I think the same about most female beauty products and clothes, there’s something pretty stupid about the practice of painting your lips red in order to attract a mate. And I’m pretty sure I’ve never noticed a woman’s shoes, except when forcibly pointed out to me. Maybe that’s why I’m still single. *sigh.
Mike Empuria
June 6th, 2008 4:44 am
This explains so much. Watch any American sitcom and the guy is always wearing his socks when he gets out of bed. I always thought it was some weird sense of propriety for US TV but it’s dull toe nails! Thanks Silky for explaining this mystery.
PS. I know your ex. Still doing crack but I was NEVER her pimp.
Dave
June 6th, 2008 6:24 pm
Someone in the ‘powers that be’ has decreed we are all to be foot fetishists, hence the poliferation of tootsie related adverts, bazooka that verrucca, cracked heels, all those barefoot birds in the sofa ads, it’s all a plot I tell you to take our minds of the fact that the country is going to hell in a handcart. Soaring fuel prices, credit crisis, knife crime, never mind as long as you can see you face in your birds toenails who gives a fuck.
Mike Empuria
June 6th, 2008 6:44 pm
To anyone even considering being a foot fetish I offer these two words of caution. David Mellor.
Gina
June 6th, 2008 8:18 pm
I had a toenail removed when I was 11 and the boys can’t get enough of my freaky, sexy toe. I don’t need no toenail perfector.
Mike Empuria
June 6th, 2008 9:17 pm
Gina. It is with disappointment that you mother-in-law hating blog link doesn’t work but Silky; you wonder why the masses are clamouring for photo blogging? I for one would like to see that toenail.
Andy
June 7th, 2008 1:23 am
Silky - How do you submit a bad ad now? I can’t find the button, but anyway I need Bingo.tv to be declared
http://www.visit4info.com/advert/William-Hill-Bingo-Footie-Widow-William-Hill/59527
Their last one was banned because it was socially irresponsible; so now they’ve made one which just suggests gambling can keep a joyless marriage together.
Silky
June 7th, 2008 12:06 pm
@Andy - yeah, I’ve been meaning to put a submit form back up but haven’t got round to it… hopefully in the next 6 - 12 months I’ll have it sorted though…
@Gina & Mike - If you like I can add a picture of the afore mentioned “feaky, sexy toe” to this post - it seems it would be a very welcomed public service.
Smithybobbins
June 7th, 2008 2:00 pm
I wondered why I was so sad when I took my socks off. Clearly this was due to my discoloured toe nails- silly me. I hear that some women use a paint type substance to make their toenails deliberately discoloured. The world’s gone MAD I tell you.
Jonny Chestwig single eh? Interesting…
Gina
June 9th, 2008 12:19 pm
The blog link seems to work for me, though if it’s broken for everyone else it’s probably for the best.
Has this blog descended into the realm of the pornographic? I suppose it was only a matter of time before photos appeared, though I must admit I didn’t think toenails (or the lack of) would be the fetish of choice.
Silky
June 9th, 2008 12:46 pm
Hey Gina, just an FYI - I edited that last link to put in a “Y” between the two “M”s of “My” and “Mother”… the one directly above this comment doesn’t work again…
Gina
June 9th, 2008 9:25 pm
Obviously I knew that, I was testing your perceptiveness. Job well done!
sophi
June 10th, 2008 9:51 am
WHO WANTS THICK TOENAILS?THEY JUST MAKE IT HARDER TO CUT THEM
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