The environment is currently the “morality-knife being slowly twisted in our backs” of choice amongst, seemingly, just about everyone working in the media.

You just can’t get away from it.

In fact, there was a time there when every day for about, ooh, 6 years the Independent had a front page story about how we were “destroying the planet” this “ruining the environment” that.

And only yesterday there was a news story telling us that a heatwave will kill thousands of us in the UK some time in just a couple of weeks time (to be fair, it may be sooner or later than “in a couple of weeks” I’d drifted off by the time they told us when it would be).

And who’s to blame? Global warming, that’s who.

And who’s to blame for that? It’s you, you great big ninny!

That’s because when you drive your car just one yard down the road it releases the same amount of carbon dioxide as one million cows all farting at the same time.

So what’s the answer? Either we kill all the cows (and at the rate we’re going with the whole “fucking up the environment” thing there’s a good chance we’ll do that anyway) or you don’t drive more than, let’s say, 3cm a week.

“But, hey!” I hear you yell. “I want to get chips from the chippy down the street and be back at my house - which is lit up like a casino on the Vegas strip - before they get cold. I need to drive!”

Alright! Calm down, dear. There is a 3rd way: Science!

Yes, car manufacturers are using science to make their cars ever more fuel efficient at the petrol burning end of things and less “cow farty” at the emissions end of things.

Yes, their cars are *greener* now (other colours are available) and owning one will make you feel less guilty about driving that 4th centimetre. So how do they flog you these motors?

Most seem to have not gone with just repeatedly flashing “Your old banger is destroying the planet, you bastard! Drive our car instead” route of advertising and gone down a slightly more subtle road instead.

Like the advertising for the new Peugeot 308:

Yes, if we believe what we’re told, nature inspired the new Peugeot 308.

It’s very being was carved from rock by the sands and it’s protected by the mists. It is driven by the seas and powered by the winds (more bloody cow farts).

Of course, the connotations of being inspired by nature are many but I deeply suspect, given our current obsession with the environment, what Inspired By Nature actually means is:

“You’ll be at one with the planet - not fucking it up.”

The 308 will give you that guilt free drive of your life.

Well, you know, either that “at one with the planet thing” or it means “Complete load of bollocks”.

I’m not 100% sure which.

Just to be on the safe side, I’m going to buy a 308 then drive to the countryside and run over a herd of cows with it. You surely can’t get much greener than that.

Ta ta.