What’s a mildly less soul destroyingly shit way to spend an evening than watching a “sit-com” performed in mime?

That’s right, it’s Wink Bingo!

Anyone fancy a wager as to how many times the words “Wank Bingo more like!” are going to be left in the comments?

Maybe this says more about me than about anything else, but when I saw the very classy and exceedingly well made advert for a new mobile service, Car Spotter, I couldn’t help but think:

“Want to know how much the car you’re about to rob is worth? Then text us now!”

Judge for yourself.

Just For Men have previous when it comes to making fucking awful tv adverts.

But I’ve always been a fan of bullies who play on the irrational, insecurities of others by pushing a lie in a calous attempt to manipulate them which is why I enjoy this advert so:

Or as Becky, who submitted this bad ad, puts it:

“This is possibly the most awful, irritating, full-of-shit advert I have ever seen. I mean, really!

If you have a nice fake salt-and-pepper ‘do, the birds – who, by the way, are way too young for you – won’t be able to resist your mix of energy and experience.

Yeah right!”

To be fair to Just For Men though, it is a tricky balance – on the one hand you leave your hair grey and it drains all your energy but on the other you dye your hair and you spend all your energy shagging a string of beautiful, younger women. Either way, when you get to 45, the best you can hope for is lying in bed all day with out the strength to get one up.

It’s not easy being a middle-aged, single man, it really isn’t.

Jesus has very kindly taken some time out from being “the son of God” and all that to submit this bad ad:

Obviously, this advert is knowingly and deliberately awful – much like the Pot Noodle itself – but it’s on all the time which, as Jesus puts it, make watching again:

Like being punched in the head by Arnold Schwarzenegger.

And then he rapes you in the ear.

With a knife.

And as for the Flight of the Conchords style one, well…

Virgin Trains have always traded on the sniggering schoolboy-ish thought that you’ll be “riding a virgin to Chipping Norton and back” but I’ve just sat open-mouthed watching an edited version of this advert for Virgin Trains – with that Robyn Addison from Survivors in it – in which the 3 scenes of “Becky” ogling the men in the field, the bottled water turning into gushing champagne and the train enters the “tunnel of love” are shown back-to-back that left me… well, speechless.

Is that..?

Did that just…?

Is that a euphemism for…?

Sadly, in the longer version, not only aren’t these scenes played one after the other but we’re also treated to a glimpse of Stoke-on-Trent which really underplays just how much of a sexagasmic experience riding on a Virgin train actually is.

Shame.

Here’s another lovely bad ad submitted by Matthew:

Remember being a teenager… *sigh* those were the days.

Wait, no they weren’t! For the socially inept and unattractive it was bloody awful.

But while I work on my Computer Science degree and plan on how I’ll make all my childhood foes pay with my nerdiness, Oxy are doing what advertisers have always done. Selling things people don’t need by making them feel crap!

Unlike Lynx and Clearasil however, they seem to be desperate to beat their competitors to making an ad that just consists of 20 seconds of a loud man shouting insults at us followed by a 10 second sex scene.

Nearly there guys!

Cheers, Matthew.

There aren’t many things that will get a policeman simulating oral sex in the street these days – except, of course, for the sight of a Tunnocks Caramel Wafer lorry:

Or as Cat, who submitted this bad ad, summarises:

I think this is an accidentally aired GCSE project.

The use of Comic Sans at the end is particularly craptastic.

But even though it does look like someone’s Media Studies course work gone wrong, I think it’s important we’re not too harsh on the makers of this advert – as they’ve clearly had to spend 2, maybe even 3, weeks’ pocket money on it. That’s nearly 10 Tunnocks Caramel Wafers they could have bought instead! Poor loves.

Oh well, 3 weeks miming eating a chocolate coated caramel wafer bar is a price worth paying for this masterpiece.

Nice one, Cat.

I think we can all agree that nothing evokes the spirit of the Swinging 60′s more than the film “The Italian Job” and the preservation of wood.

Which is why whenever I hear Cuprinol’s version of “The Self Preservation Society” song – from that quintessential 1960′s film – with its new, far more apt lyrics about the preservation of wood, I’m instantly transported back to that technicolored Bohemia:

Oh no, hang on, no I’m not…

But what I do particularly love about this advert is the fact there’s only one idea in it – if you change “self preservation” to “wood preservation” it could be about varnish and still fit the tune.

Brilliant.

So from the moment the hapless actors burst out of the garden shed – each one desperately trying to out “Dick Van Dyke” the one in front but only to succeed in becoming inexplicably more twatish – singing those blood curdlingly awful reworked lyrics to the moment of blessed relief and this horror show of an advert finishes, Cuprinol are banking on the fact that changing “self” to “wood” is, in some way, amusing.

Which, in a “Repeatedly being kicked in the genitalia by Jim Davidson whilst watching Schindler’s List on loop for 7 days” kind of way, it is.

Well done, Cuprinol. Well done.

I had a bowl of Oatibix once – but not at a roadside cafe, obviously, because they don’t serve Oatibix.

Although eating it didn’t make me repeatedly sing the chorus to My Sharona with two of my simpering mates, I did below the hits of Marilyn Manson down the toilet bowl latter that day.

I wonder if it’s connected?

Thanks to CovertJellyfish for submitting this bad ad.

Here’s the latest advert from Hovis: