Oust – 3 in 1 Air Freshner
24 November 2007 by SilkyOi! Scumbag! Your house is a filth-infested, shit-hole and it’s killing your kids!
So implies the latest advert from Oust as they attempt to “Howard Hughes” our squalid lives.
Yes, it turns out we’re surrounded by millions of conniving bacteria just waiting to infect us when we least expect it.
When we’re walking through a room.
When we’re throwing something in the bin.
When we’re DRAWING THE FUCKING CURTAINS!
That’s right, even your curtains are bacterial A-bombs just waiting to go off in that sewer you call “home”.
Nowhere is safe, I tell you. Nowhere!
In fact, there’s bacteria on your mouse as you’re browsing this site. Now it’s on your hand.
Just scratched your nose? Now it’s on your face.
Just licked your lips? Now it’s IN YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!
But don’t worry because as we all know (thanks to those kindly folks at Yakult and Danone) we have about 3 mega-zillion bacteria living inside us as we live and breath (Wikipedia tells me there’re actually about “10 to the power of 14 micro-organisms in the gut” although this can more than quadruple after visit to that dodgy Chinese down the street). And these bacteria are made up of some good bacteria, some bad bacteria.
You know what it’s like though, it’s the few thoughtless idiots that give all bacteria a bad name (E. Coli, I’m looking at you). That’s always how it starts; a bad egg, a couple of nasty headlines, a few terrifying adverts.
And the nation is crippled with paranoia.
We stop preparing our meals on the toilet seat. We stop forcing our kids to eat of the lid of the bin. And we spray everything with Oust.
In fact I’m so concerned about one day picking up the TV remote and bacteria eating my hand off that I’ve commissioner a crop-sprayer to fly over my house twice a day to squirt a few thousand gallons of Oust all over it.
And I’ve fashioned a hermetically sealed outfit made from an old diver’s suit. (Note to anyone else wanting to make one of these outfits: After the first test run I discovered that the only major down side to the hermetically sealed outfit is that you die of suffocation fairly shorty after putting on the afore mentioned outfit. A quick modification with the filter from my Dyson vacuum and it’s ready to go.) It’s a guaranteed germ free existence plus the added bonus of being able to walk under water. What have you got to say to that Oust?
Oh, wait, news just in: It’s not that bad. It’s just manufacturers making it seem worse than it actually is to shift more products.
Right, well, I feel a bit of a fool now for the whole aeroplane thing and the diving suit.
But hey, at least I wasn’t stupid enough to spray my dirty curtains!
10Responses:
Entity
Said on the 25 November 2007
OMG, I’ve just eaten a packet of crisps, and I didn’t wash my hands. Am I gonna be ill and off work for a couple of days, severely affecting my employer’s work efficiency, and possible future job prospects? This ad is almost as bad as those people who go on gluten free diets, because ‘they got a funny tummy’ (possibly from eating too much bread), and don’t get me started on the fatkins diet.
Mike Empuria
Said on the 25 November 2007
So it gets rid of odours and it gets rid of bacteria. Shouldn’t it be Oust 2 in 1?
Testoni
Said on the 25 November 2007
It also gets rid of unwanted poltergeists.
NoNickChosen
Said on the 27 November 2007
well, i spray Oust 3 in 1 on my Omlette, so i can eat Eggs that I bought 1 Year ago…
Silky
Said on the 30 November 2007
We’ve started spraying Oust on our baby because we can’t be bothered to wash him any more.
Can anyone tell me if this goes against the advise “Use biocides safely” that is printed in tiny letters at the bottom of the screen?
Golimar
Said on the 5 January 2008
I bet that the woman in the adverts sprays her children.
What the?
Said on the 5 January 2008
Warning slight side affects include Mutation, Slight burning and may make you like cillit bang adverts.
And yes that woman sprayed the pizzas.
Dave
Said on the 6 February 2008
I’d be wary of using this stuff without a bio suit and gas mask, in one of the earlier Oust ads one of the women’s eyes were bulging like Marty Feldman’s and she looked as high as a kite.
Bex
Said on the 12 June 2008
World War I saw the introduction of chlorine and mustard gases as fatal and horrific weapons, used on both sides.
World War 3…The Battles of Oust…
You ‘orrible shower! « the mortal bath
Said on the 15 September 2009
[...] ‘dirty shower heads’, germ paranoia in UK media and advertising (as noted hilariously here) is, well, virulent. If some medical concern about the impact of cleaning products on the [...]
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