Oi! Scumbag! Your house is a filth-infested, shit-hole and it’s killing your kids!

So implies the latest advert from Oust as they attempt to “Howard Hughes” our squalid lives.

Yes, it turns out we’re surrounded by millions of conniving bacteria just waiting to infect us when we least expect it.

When we’re walking through a room.
When we’re throwing something in the bin.
When we’re DRAWING THE FUCKING CURTAINS!

That’s right, even your curtains are bacterial A-bombs just waiting to go off in that sewer you call “home”.

Nowhere is safe, I tell you. Nowhere!

In fact, there’s bacteria on your mouse as you’re browsing this site. Now it’s on your hand.
Just scratched your nose? Now it’s on your face.
Just licked your lips? Now it’s IN YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!

But don’t worry because as we all know (thanks to those kindly folks at Yakult and Danone) we have about 3 mega-zillion bacteria living inside us as we live and breath (Wikipedia tells me there’re actually about “10 to the power of 14 micro-organisms in the gut” although this can more than quadruple after visit to that dodgy Chinese down the street). And these bacteria are made up of some good bacteria, some bad bacteria.

You know what it’s like though, it’s the few thoughtless idiots that give all bacteria a bad name (E. Coli, I’m looking at you). That’s always how it starts; a bad egg, a couple of nasty headlines, a few terrifying adverts.

And the nation is crippled with paranoia.

We stop preparing our meals on the toilet seat. We stop forcing our kids to eat of the lid of the bin. And we spray everything with Oust.

In fact I’m so concerned about one day picking up the TV remote and bacteria eating my hand off that I’ve commissioner a crop-sprayer to fly over my house twice a day to squirt a few thousand gallons of Oust all over it.

And I’ve fashioned a hermetically sealed outfit made from an old diver’s suit. (Note to anyone else wanting to make one of these outfits: After the first test run I discovered that the only major down side to the hermetically sealed outfit is that you die of suffocation fairly shorty after putting on the afore mentioned outfit. A quick modification with the filter from my Dyson vacuum and it’s ready to go.) It’s a guaranteed germ free existence plus the added bonus of being able to walk under water. What have you got to say to that Oust?

Oh, wait, news just in: It’s not that bad. It’s just manufacturers making it seem worse than it actually is to shift more products.

Right, well, I feel a bit of a fool now for the whole aeroplane thing and the diving suit.

But hey, at least I wasn’t stupid enough to spray my dirty curtains!

Judge for yourself.