Kelloggs - Dame Kelly Holmes
24 August 2008 by SilkyDid you remember to have breakfast this morning?
For your sake, I hope you did. Because God only knows what might happen to you if didn’t.
At least, God only knows what might happen to you if Dame (my 3rd favourite Dame after Thora Hird and Hilda Bracket) Kelly Holmes’ apocalyptic breakfast-skipping vision of the world is to be believed.
Here’s the shocking evidence Dame Kelly presents us with in here fight to, like, make us eat, err, stuff in the mornings:
A) A boy waits at a bus stop. As he stands to get on the bus THE CONTENTS OF HIS BAG FALLS TO THE FLOOR! The true horror of this event is indescribable.
“He obviously skipped breakfast this morning” tut-tuts Dame Kelly.
B) A woman repeatedly tries to operate a photocopier even though IT ISN’T PLUGGED IN! Oh dear, Lord, No. Noooooo!
“She skipped breakfast too” Kelly smugly informs us.
And although it’s easy to poo-poo Kelly’s advice, after all she’s athletics’ David Beckham, she’s more wooden then the New Forest and she’s wearing a track-suit (how else would we possibly remember Dame Kelly Holmes used to be a sportswoman if it weren’t for her wearing a track suit?) that she stole from the 1970’s, it’s actually very good advice indeed.
Don’t believe me, well you should.
Because on the day Gary Glitter became a paedophile he skipped his breakfast. Yeah, that’s right. His dietary imbalance directly lead to his desire to touch little girls. I’m sure this will come as little comfort to the victims of the Glitter Hands but had he eaten just a single slice of toast they would have been safe.
OK, I made that one up, but this one is true:
One day in August 2004 I skipped breakfast. And ever since that fateful day I’ve had to watch repeated interviews with and listen to inane commentary by Dame Kelly Holmes. Please stop licking your lips! God that dress is inappropriate! Put those eyeballs away!
If only I’d been more of a Crunchy Nutter that day. If only…
Any way, as an Olympian if there’s one thing Dame Kelly Holmes knows how to do it’s run really quickly round a slightly elongated circle. And, as a corporate shill, if there’s one thing that Dame Kelly Holmes knows it’s that if you skip breakfast you *may* miss out on energy for your brain and that eating a balanced breakfast (not just Frosties on Pop Tarts then?) *can* help you perform better.
I know this too because the tiny white text at the bottom of the screen tells us “Research shows that people who eat breakfast tend to perform better in the morning”.
Yeah, research - possibly done by Scientists, possibly done by primary school children (who may or may not have eaten breakfast that day) - categorically shows us that people who can be bothered to shove food down their offence-hole in the mornings *tend* to perform better.
If you’re uncertain as to what “tend” actually means I can tell you. “Tend” means “We couldn’t really prove anything for sure”.
So go on, have a bowl of Corn Flakes every morning and you *might* get better at “zipping things up” and you *could* perform better at “photo copying stuff”.
One thing you’ll know for sure though is that Dame Kelly Holmes won’t be judging you as you fail hopelessly at even the simplest of everyday tasks - you non-Olympian, breakfast-skipping loser.
Just How Bad is this Ad?
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13Responses:
Jen
Said on the 25 August 2008
The woman is as wooden as anything, especially when she starts her “as an Olympian” speech.
Jonathan
Said on the 25 August 2008
As a person with a PhD, I resent being told by a sportsperson – little further up the intellectual ladder than most jellyfish – what breakfast cereal I should eat to make my brain work. As a scientist, I resent the drivel spouted in these kind of adverts to flog mediocre foodstuffs being referred to as research.
It could be worse though. I could be that dried-up old husk Vorderman peddling her magic margarine that supposedly lowers your cholesterol.
Greybob
Said on the 26 August 2008
In the same month that this advert came out, Usain Bolt broke 3 world records at the Beijing Olympics, fuelled by a diet of skipping breakfast and eating chicken nuggets after his morning nap.
He did forget to zip up his pump bag afterwards though, and spent a good half an hour trying to get the communal Olympic Village photocopier to work before Kelly Holmes (who had been sitting on a table watching him and tutting the whole time) got bored and decided to point out that it wasn’t plugged in.
Bitch
R E Krishna
Said on the 27 August 2008
This unfortunate female doesn’t realize that the copier isn’t switched on right? It’s because she skipped breakfast right? Well answer me this then, how did the silly cow find her way to the copier room, or for that matter to work?
Gordon
Said on the 28 August 2008
It’s not so much skipping breakfast as not handing over my hard earned cash in the vain hope of not being quite so stupid and clumsy all day. They reallly should stick to selling snake oil.
Gina
Said on the 28 August 2008
Kelly Holmes must be getting desperate for money, this afternoon she was a ‘celebrity’ guest on the shittest quiz show on TV. The words ‘as an Olympian…’ can only get her so far.
tigerstail
Said on the 1 September 2008
Olympians were Gods - she means “as an olympic athlete”
Even as an atheist ,I find this blasphemous presumption offensive.God knows what Zeus thinks of it all.
Stokesy
Said on the 5 September 2008
Personally I don’t know what makes me want to vomit,murder someone and then kill myself more: the fact that an athlete is peddling utterly sh*t food to children or the fact that she says “mornin” or “mornins” several times in each commercial!
lolz
Said on the 8 September 2008
whats brown and runny?
Bex
Said on the 15 September 2008
Interesting fact: That 2 second bit of footage of the schoolboy in the science lab was filmed in my school…an all girls school..in manchester…
And that anatomy model thing at the back is called George (or summit-long time since I did Biology)
Matt
Said on the 17 October 2008
That’s a terrible ad. Breakfast makes her hand off files with smiles?
Pauliwalli
Said on the 26 October 2008
Cmon Kelly… avoid this crap… you should be doing hi fashion red carpet stuff.. or even Strictly Come Dancing.. but honey this commercial sell out? Your better than that.. and I dont want to keep seeing you in a track suit showing no skin!.. give us some leg and more pixie hairstyle please…
retired
Said on the 3 November 2008
How much is she getting paid to tell me not to skip breakfast? This old pensioners money does not run to buying expensive cereals just because she says so.You wasted your money Kellogs!
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