Do you know who I hate? White women. With their white little faces, and their shiny white legs. Oh and God don’t get me started on their glare inducing torsos. White women make me sick.

In fact, one day I saw one in the street and I was so horrified when I got home my wife said “You look like you’ve seen a ghost!”. “Worse,” I replied “I’ve just seen a white woman!”.

That’s why I’m so very glad that Johnson’s Holiday Skin is available on the market. Because we all know the only way to improve the average white woman is to turn her ever so slightly orange. Yeah, get a nice Dickinson going on her. A bit of an O’Connor (Des not Tom). See that mahogany dresser? Yeah, just like that please.

That’s what you’ve got to do because a hoard of tangerine beauties walking the streets would make this Country a better place.

Fortunately I’m obviously not the only one who thinks this either (can you imagine what a fool I’d feel if I were) because every other advert between the hours of 12pm and 4pm then again from 7pm to 9pm (women’s tv time) is for a moisturiser with self tan.

The beauty industry is on a crusade to eliminate the white women from the face of the Earth.

Thank fuck!

Obviously the real reason people do this is to make others think that they’ve just come back of an exotic holiday to the Caribbean. Even though all their mates know that they’ve only got a Saturday job in Boots and could in no way afford that holiday (not with 2 kids to look after anyway). Thanks to that 10% staff discount though they can easily afford a couple of gallons of Holiday Skin though.

Yes our own vanities strike again. Self-tan must be in the top 10 offences we can commit against our own bodies. We all think that it’s a dirty little secret too: “Ha ha! No one will know I self tan!”. But we all know you self tan.

In fact is there any question you can be asked that is more damaging to your self-esteem than “Do you self tan?”

So come on white women, put that bottle back on the shelf. There’s nothing wrong with being an English rose whose porcelain complexion is beyond beauty. There are, however, so many things wrong with looking like you’re wearing an EasyJet body suit.