Whilst I was on my extended sabbatical it seems it’s become accepted fact that the Yeo Valley advert – Come on, you must have seen it! The one with the Yeo Boyz and featuring Lil Massey. No? Really? – is the “Bestest advert on tele, yeah, since the one with, like, the drumming monkey in it, innit”.

But I’m not so convinced.

No, what bothers me about this ad is the feeling it – and the whole Rapping Farmers campaign – is based solely on “Yeo” being pronounced “Yo”. And rappists like to say “Yo”. Quite a lot. As funny ideas go, it’s so flimsy that even Armstrong & Miller would think twice about turning it into a 2 minute routine – 2 minutes!

Note to reader: Of course, I’m no stranger to basing work on flimsy ideas, it’s true. But the big difference being that a terrible TV’s Worst Advert entry only costs me the time it takes to write, 300 pissed of subscribers and the 2 crates of Babycham to wash down the shame.

No, for me, this advert isn’t just in a different flimsy league, it’s playing a whole different flimsy sport. And it’s forgotten its flimsy kit.

That’s not to say it isn’t well made – some hip-hop producer or other was involved, I seem to remember reading… somewhere – and as I said before it’s already being hailed as the “greatest advert ever” – even by some of the more sentient of YouTube commenters.

But for all the coverage it’s got Yeo Valley and all the online views, as a representation of the Yeo Valley and the organic farming community it’s so cringe-worthy it’s little more than a really long and expensive updating of the “Young Farmers Do It With Their Wellies On” bumper sticker. But not as funny. Because its combination of premium brand organic yoghurt and chav-hop just makes it so completely unpalatable. As unpalatable as a pot of organic yoghurt that’s been left on a radiator for a fortnight.

Only it’s slightly cheesier. Huh. And more stomach churning. Huh, huh. And more blood curdling. Huh, huh, huh. And it turns your phlegm pro-biotic. Huh… Erm, I’ve got carried away with dairy puns, haven’t I?

Anyway, big up your chest and watch the cow’s mess:

So after the ads overwhelming positive response, I’m sure this wont be the most popular entry on TWS but I’ve got a message for the dissenters : “AYHSMW” – that’s “All You Haterz Suck My Wurzels” obviously:

Bumpkin ‘Till I Dies.

RED Driving School has previous on TV’s Worst Adverts. A post that has drawn some pretty angry reader comments about the company (have you people not read the comments policy?). And further to our hard-hitting, research-free, blog-based rant RED (“Always in capitals – the branding’s the cornerstone of our success”) Driving Schools have become something of a cause célèbre for light-weight, bald-headed, tv-based consumer programmes.

But clearly having learnt their lesson after all this negative publicity, the latest advert from RED really reins in the hyperbole and simply promises us “a better life” if we become a driving instructor. It’s good to know we’re not subjected to that nonsense about choosing your own hours and earning 30 grand a year. What’s that? They do that too? Just with slightly different words? Oh.

Anyways, it’s now generally accepted that the paradise, the spotty-faced milk and honey RED Driving School and that dead-eyed Anita Dobson wannabe previously promised us might not be quite so peachy. So let’s not go over old ground again. K? K?

And as it happens there seems to be a far more worrying issue raised by this latest advert – a shocking lack of knowledge when it comes to the basics of the highway code. The website being pimped by the ad is go-red.co.uk.

Go red?

No, no, no, Red. Stop red. Go green – and flashing amber if it’s safe to do so.

Tsk, tsk.

I had a Holland’s Pie the other day and although it was, as some might say, proper tasty there was one negative, the pastry had a really long ginger hair in it. Now where on Earth could that have come from?

Not really, that’s all lies. I never even seen an ‘Olland’s Pies pie.

I suspect my complete lack of Holland pie sightings is, after seeing the advert above, due to the fact:

• I’m not from the North.
• I don’t live in the 1850′s.

Of course, I’m sure this advert is trying to make me nostalgic for a simpler, more gravy smothered time. A time when proper pies were made by proper child-loving pie men albeit with slightly lax food hygiene standards. Sadly what it actually leaves me thinking is the people from’t'North – and possibly those proper tasty Holland’s Pies – are 160 years out-of-date.

And really, who honestly wants a pie that’s 160 years out-of-date? Proper or not.

What’s a mildly less soul destroyingly shit way to spend an evening than watching a “sit-com” performed in mime?

That’s right, it’s Wink Bingo!

Anyone fancy a wager as to how many times the words “Wank Bingo more like!” are going to be left in the comments?

Maybe this says more about me than about anything else, but when I saw the very classy and exceedingly well made advert for a new mobile service, Car Spotter, I couldn’t help but think:

“Want to know how much the car you’re about to rob is worth? Then text us now!”

Judge for yourself.

Here’s another lovely bad ad submitted by Matthew:

Remember being a teenager… *sigh* those were the days.

Wait, no they weren’t! For the socially inept and unattractive it was bloody awful.

But while I work on my Computer Science degree and plan on how I’ll make all my childhood foes pay with my nerdiness, Oxy are doing what advertisers have always done. Selling things people don’t need by making them feel crap!

Unlike Lynx and Clearasil however, they seem to be desperate to beat their competitors to making an ad that just consists of 20 seconds of a loud man shouting insults at us followed by a 10 second sex scene.

Nearly there guys!

Cheers, Matthew.

Here’s the latest advert from Hovis:

You know what it’s like, you the head of an international car company – or possibly a toothpaste salesman from Sidcup – when you hear that a rival company is developing a replacement for the most boring car ever made and, naturally, you’re desperate to find out more about it.

So what do you do?

That’s right! You send the product from an unholy union of Ethan Hunt, Jack Bauer and Jason Bourne to infiltrate your rivals test facility and covertly gather information about the new car.

God, this is going to be exciting.

At least it would be exciting if only the industrial spy they selected weren’t so completely useless that he’s totally flummoxed by what he finds. So much so that his report consists of nothing more than “It’s as if it can…” and “The light have some kind of…” and “I don’t know what kind of engine it is.”

That’s it? We paid you, how much? And that’s all you got? “It’s as if it can see?” What are we supposed to do with that? Worst. Industrial spy. Ever. Get out!

Plus they are going to kick themselves when they find out that they could have saved themselves all this bother just by texting “insignia” to 84464.

If only they’d watched the advert.

Whenever I see the “Live Your Moment” adverts for the Xbox 360 – that are presumably supposed to show that the Xbox experience is so engaging that it’s like it’s actually happening in your brain (although I’m not sure where else Microsoft think we have experiences) – I can’t help but think:

“Play the Xbox 360 – Like Having a Lobotomy!”

Surely these adverts just plays into the hands of the “Games consoles turn you into cabbages” brigade?

Here’s a funny one for you – it’s the greatest footballer of his generation, with a reputation for taking himself too seriously, sending himself up in an advert for an estate car:

Yes, it’s Eric Cantona in the new Renault Laguna Estate advert and I’m kind of on the fence over it.

I can’t help but smile as Cantona ironically enthuses over the features of the new car (“Just one finger. Magic.”), but at the same am left feeling that the advert fails because Cantona’s performance says “You can love this car but you’ll be a pretentious, arrogant wanker if you do”. And who really wants to be that? Apart from BMW drivers, of course.

Plus there are a few of places where Eric’s accent is so thick that I can’t understand what the monkey he’s banging on about. But when it’s in his now-classic “Seagull” delivery it really doesn’t matter what he’s saying.

As I say, I’m on the fence but what do you think is this another display of the Frenchman’s genius or does it miss the mark by a mile?