We’ve got a dog.

Sometimes we like to wind it up so much that he can’t sit still and runs round and round in circles. It makes us laugh.

And we say that he’s got a great personality but he hasn’t really. He’s just hyperactive. And we deliberately make him that way.

Also, if we’re watching something on the tele we like to ask our dog what his thoughts are about what he’s just seen.

“What did you think of that, Bernard?” We say.

But Bernard can’t speak. He can only make dog noises that, I’ll grant him, on the odd occasion could be mistaken for English. But that doesn’t make him suitable for a commentary role.

For these two reasons I wouldn’t ever give him a job on the tv.

Ian Wright is just like my dog.

People like to say that he has a great personality but he just seems to have ADD. When he’s on Match of the Day he can’t sit still in his chair. If he had a tail, he’d be chasing it round the studio.

Nor can he string two words together either.

“What did you think of that, Ian?” They say.

He only makes noises that, I’ll grant you, on the odd occasion could be mistaken for English. But that doesn’t make him suitable for a commentary role.

I’ve never understood why Ian Wright is allowed on the television.

As for Asda, do they not remember the whole Chicken Tonight fiasco?

The things that being a very, very good footballer will bring you, hey?

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