Alpen – Dirty Talk
29 September 2007 by SilkySEX!
Yeah, that got your attention, didn’t it?
To be fair to you, you were probably already thinking about sex. Because that’s all you ever think about, isn’t it?
The only reason you get out of bed in the morning is so you can get back in it later and have sex. As you ride the train to work you’re thinking about all the dirty sexy sex that your dirty boss is having with his sexy secretary (you know, the one you’d really like to have sex with). And it’s all you can do to stop yourself passing out as the train enters a tunnel and you flick to page 3 of the Daily Mail and gawp at a dirty sexy pose picture of Carol Vorderman.
God, we’re obsessed with sex. And none of us are getting enough.
That’s why sex sells.
We actually think buying a *sexy* product will get us a few more notches on the bedstead. So in our exceptionally liberal society just about everything you could think of has been sexed up.
M&S sexed up their food range by getting sexy Dirvla Kirwan to read out ingredients as if she works on a sex phone line (“What are you wearing? Just knickers, I hope?” “I’m not just wearing knickers. I’m wearing crisp, clean, finest cotton M&S knickers” etc…).
And now Alpen have tried the same.
The trouble for Alpen is that Alpen simply isn’t in the slightest bit sexy. In fact, watching a video of John McCririck picking then eating the scabs off the herpes sores around Bella Emberg‘s anus would make you sexier then eating a bowl of Alpen ever would do.
What’s more, Alpen is officially only Switzerland’s 2nd sexiest export after Roger Federer and I think that says it all.
Just How Bad is this Ad?
(9 votes, average: 3.78 out of 5)
19Responses:
fatboyfat
Said on the 24 October 2007
Switzerland’s 2nd sexiest export after Roger Federer? Toblerone, anyone. It’s even a useful shape….
Silky
Said on the 26 October 2007
That’s true fatboyfat. I also neglected to mention Swatch watches…
CovertJellyfish
Said on the 31 July 2009
How is a Toblerone’s shape useful? Can you build a mock log cabin with them like you can with a Kit Kat? No. Can you use it as a stencil for an elaborate peice of wall art like with a Curly Wurly? No. Can you bludgeon a scrote to death with it like with a King Size Marathon? No. What can you do with a Toblerone that I don’t know about?
Archer
Said on the 2 August 2009
#What can you do with a Toblerone that I don’t know about?#
I think you can probably guess.
Tarquin Fintimblimwimlim Biscuit-Barrel
Said on the 2 August 2009
Alpen is only good for lining the bottom of cages for small rodents.
CovertJellyfish
Said on the 2 August 2009
I asked my missus, and she suggested using it as a phallic replacement. Intrigued I bought a Toblerone and put it in the freezer so it wouldn’t melt in my hand. When I woke her this morning with the frozen, knobbly chocolate, she screamed and called me an evil heartless bastard. She packed her bags and left this afternoon, promising her dad would cause me intense physical pain, possibly involving the offending confectionary, and it was ALL HER IDEA IN THE FIRST PLACE!! Why do women do that?!!?
Archer
Said on the 2 August 2009
I bet you made a schoolboy error and forgot to check which Toblerone she prefers first. If my fella came at me with at me with a fruit and nut Toblerone I’d go mental. Insensitive bastard should know by now I prefer milk chocolate.
CovertJellyfish
Said on the 2 August 2009
Bollocks… It was a fruit and nut Toblerone…. I wonder if she can ever forgive me?
Archer
Said on the 3 August 2009
Try getting her some Cadbury’s Creme Love Eggs.
Mony
Said on the 3 August 2009
Alpen?
CovertJellyfish
Said on the 3 August 2009
Have tried to tempt her back with a Picnic Butt Plug but she seems to be resisting….
Archer
Said on the 3 August 2009
Are we going to go down the finger of fudge route? Or are we too classy for that?
CovertJellyfish
Said on the 3 August 2009
I never liked the packets Fudge came in, so shoddily made, I wonder who packed them?
Archer
Said on the 6 August 2009
Why not suggest a double decker next time?
CovertJellyfish
Said on the 7 August 2009
Too late, she has fun off with Minstrals….
Archer
Said on the 7 August 2009
Well… that might give your sex life a Boost.
CovertJellyfish
Said on the 8 August 2009
Possibly, should we get back on Topic?
Archer
Said on the 10 August 2009
Yes. I wouldn’t want anyone to get his nickers in a twist.
CovertJellyfish
Said on the 10 August 2009
Or even a Spira….