Just a couple of days after the shocking partial breast revelation revelations in Beyoncé’s Heat perfume advert, the BBC have news of an advert that’s even more sickening – the John Lewis Christmas 2010 Advert:

So far the advert above has drawn nearly 150 complaints to the ASA and, that ‘must have’ accessory of any self respecting/congratulatory campaign group, the Facebook Page has more than 1700 “likages”.

What’s got these people foaming at the mouth is the scene of the young boy in his snowy garden, hanging a stocking on his Scottish Deerhound’s kennel but not inviting the poor fur-covered blighter indoors. And it’s this simple act of giving the “evolved from wolves” dog in a kennel a Christmas gift from J-Lews that the complainers claim “glamourises dog neglect”.

That’s right, it’s the whole ridiculous VW Polo singing dog affair all over again! And yes, I accept your point, it would be more glamourous if there were Diamonique dog collar in that stocking.

Except this time it seems somehow worse than the VW singing dog. Because the degree of anger this advert has caused shouldn’t be underestimated. The BBC website reported that Beverley Cuddy, editor of Dogs Today, said (Now, this really is blogging of the highest quality, folks – reporting on a report which itself reported on a report! Bravo me!)

“We are horrified by this. We have already had people tell us they can’t visit their father for Christmas because he thinks it is alright to leave the dog outside in the shed, because it’s alright for John Lewis.”

Honestly, someone wont visit their own father because he claims he’ll do something to a dog that he’s seen in an advert? Now, come on, that’s barking!

Cuddy’s not alone though. Similarly the creator of the Facebook hate page says the ad sends “the wrong message about the conditions that it’s acceptable to keep a dog”. Or as they’re better known “dog kennels”.

And, as a dog owner myself, I completely sympathise with the campaign. I was so outraged by the advert that I made an effigy of John Lewis himself but rather than burning it I let my dog have sex with its leg. Repeatedly. I was also moved to ‘direct action’ – as one of the ring leaders responsible for “ragging” the students from Puppy University who were, until my arrival, making a mostly peaceful and well mannered protest outside the John Lewis Solihull store. Although there was some inevitability about it, I’m sure my various anti-inadequately sized kennel slogans helped turn it into a dirty protest.

But, in a rare moment of seriousness on TWA, I think that I and the complainers need to be careful.

Because thanks to the largely over the top response to this advert, combined with an interpretation that’s most likely at odds with the wider public, it’s all too easy to ridicule the people behind the complaints and the campaign. Of course, that’s not to condone animal cruelty nor to say these people don’t feel genuine concern. But the organisers of this John Lewis hate campaign mustn’t allow their feelings, the hyperbole they’re using to express those feelings and the publicity their campaign has gained to make people who care about animals appear “proper SuBo mental”.

Because that could undermine the work done by animal welfare groups and, Heaven forfend, might even make the role of the ASA seem farcical!

I must confess that I didn’t actually see Beyoncé’s Heat perfume advert – in which you can see *part* of Beyoncé’s breast for a second or two! Ding dong! - on TV before it was banned but fortunately all 14 members of the Sister Mary Chastity Society (East Grinstead Chapter) did.

And not only did they see it, they took umbrage at it, they picked the phone to the Advertising Standards Authority and they complained about it. So well done with that.

Not really. It wasn’t the uber-prudes of the Sister Mary Chastity Society – be it East Grinstead or any other Chapter – who complained but regular uptight folk like you and me. But I don’t have an issue with people complaining (I know, I know, very magnanimous of me), that’s what the ASA is there for. If you thought I objected to people objecting you are wrong.

But here’s what the ASA said about the complaints they received:

“Several complainants had told us their children had seen the ad broadcast during the middle of the day around family programmes.”

And that’s something I really do object to: parents that delegate the care of their children, during the middle of the day, to the TV and then have the nerve to complain about the job it’s doing:

“Not only did the TV expose the kids to part of Beyoncé’s breast but it forgot to make them their dinner and it didn’t changed the youngest’s nappy despite it very obviously being dirty!”

But this hypocrisy was enough for the ASA to ban the advert from being shown before 7:30 in the evening. Interestingly they also described the advert as “unsuitable to be seen by young children” which, coincidentally, is exactly how I feel about most of the programmes shown during the middle of the day. After all, if you really want to disturb your children with some inappropriately-timed sexually-provocative behaviour forget about Beyoncé adverts – it’s Loose Women you want them to see.

Anyway, enough of that “think of the children” nonsense. This is TVs Worst Adverts not Britain Most Hypocritical Parents so here’s your chance to see an exceedingly sweaty Beyoncé (on Heat) writhing around, moaning and, at one point, briefly exposing part of her breast.

And seeing as this is a webular blog, you can watch it during the middle of the day if you so wish. I just hope, for their sakes, there aren’t any children online right now…

You know what it’s like: you’re a young guy, home alone, with just a Nintendo Wii and your 3 band mates for company. And with a little time, and presumably a lot of lube, on your hands it’s only natural that you’d hold a Wanking Olympics.

We’d all do the same.

But even so, it’s a little worrying to see just how many of JLS’s Nintendo Wii Party’s involve them simulating furious masturbation.

Here’s the boys “Chopping their onions”:

Here they are “Whipping their ponies”:

And here’s the money shot, the boys racing to “yank their flag”:

Dirty boys! Dirty!

Here’s one of life’s greatest puzzles – How do you increase your market share in the meal solutions category among “Hedonistic Urbanites”? Hmm, it’s a toughie, I think you’ll agree.

Well, those fearless souls at Giovanni Rana are having another crack at solving it.

The more unfortunate amongst you might remember their previous, and frankly risible, ”Citizens for Fresh Pasta Justice” advert featuring Strictly Come Dancing’s resident sack of potatoes/pantomime dame, Ann Widdecombe. Seemingly though Giovanni Rana thought that Ann wasn’t quite inappropriate enough a figure to flog fresh pasta so for their new ad they’ve gone one better: the reverend Tim Lovejoy.

You see, if the internet’s to be believed (and I see no reason why it’s not…) Tim’s quite a divisive fellow. Many people apparently think that he’s no more than an arrogant, rude and self-absorbed man who’s got the face of a schoolboy having his first erection. But, genuinely, genuinely, he’s got more in his kitbag than that. To say he simply exists to make Danny Baker and Chris Evans seem like talented presenters and all-round decent blokes is just cruel. He’s got a lot of… a lot of… erm…

Ooh. Sorry, I’ve completely forgotten what I was going to type there.

Anyway, back to the ad and Tim’s up to his usual laddish tricks. He’s got a *friend* coming for dinner but he’s burnt his roast – did you learn nothing on Sunday morning cookery and lifestyle magazine format TV show “Something for the Weekend”, Tim? - and is knocking on the door of Sofia, his unfeasibly attractive Italian neighbour, desperate for a helping hand. Sofia is only too happy to oblige with some fresh pasta that blessedly takes only 60 seconds to cook – a fact illustrated by the unusually upward counting egg-timer. Yet despite it only taking 1 minute to cook, despite it only requiring a pan of boiling water, despite it being for Tim and his *friend*, Sofia cooks it there and then for Tim, plates it up and lays it on her table.

Fortunately Tim’s *friend* is spared a disgustingly cold plate of soggy pasta because this whole scene is a cunning ruse by Tim to get both a free dinner made by and then the pants off the unfeasibly attractive Italian neighbour.

Ha! Take that, romance!

So. Where to begin?

Tim is so badly miscast for this role – “Hedonistic Urbanite” and “Lad” are not the same thing. And whilst his abilities as a present might be up for debate but there’s no questioning his complete lack of acting talent. Which leads to he and Sofia having as much charisma between them as one of the bolognese tortelloni that’s been cooked for very nearly 2 minutes.

But potentially the worst is yet to come. Because in the wholly unnecessary behind the scenes ‘making of’ video on YouTube, Tim suggests that Giovanni Rana are going to try to do a BT just as BT tried to do a Goldblend. So baton down the hatches, it looks like we’ve got another storm to weather.

It’s getting close to that time when we like to look back on the events of the year and package them up into glib top 10 lists.

Nowhere is that truer than here at TV’s Worst Adverts – not least because it means I don’t actually have to write any new content for the site. But, as you’ll undoubtedly be aware, like the time George the Blue Peter tortoise broke into Valerie Singleton’s medicine cupboard and ate her entire series supply of “John Noakes Valium” – I’ve been in hibernation for much of the past 12 months.

So, dear Reader, to paper over the cracks of terrible webular site curation, I’m opening up the nominations for TV’s Worst Advert 2010 to you!

All you need to do to nominate an advert is leave a comment on this post – along with a YouTube (or similar) link if you can find one/be arsed. Sometime at the start of December – I don’t want to nail myself to the cross of specifics here – I’ll go through your nominations and produce a list of 10 adverts for you to vote on (obviously, using whatever arbitrary criteria you see fit) to pick TVs Worst Advert 2010.

What could be more simpleser? So get nominating!

Whilst I was on my extended sabbatical it seems it’s become accepted fact that the Yeo Valley advert – Come on, you must have seen it! The one with the Yeo Boyz and featuring Lil Massey. No? Really? – is the “Bestest advert on tele, yeah, since the one with, like, the drumming monkey in it, innit”.

But I’m not so convinced.

No, what bothers me about this ad is the feeling it – and the whole Rapping Farmers campaign – is based solely on “Yeo” being pronounced “Yo”. And rappists like to say “Yo”. Quite a lot. As funny ideas go, it’s so flimsy that even Armstrong & Miller would think twice about turning it into a 2 minute routine – 2 minutes!

Note to reader: Of course, I’m no stranger to basing work on flimsy ideas, it’s true. But the big difference being that a terrible TV’s Worst Advert entry only costs me the time it takes to write, 300 pissed of subscribers and the 2 crates of Babycham to wash down the shame.

No, for me, this advert isn’t just in a different flimsy league, it’s playing a whole different flimsy sport. And it’s forgotten its flimsy kit.

That’s not to say it isn’t well made – some hip-hop producer or other was involved, I seem to remember reading… somewhere – and as I said before it’s already being hailed as the “greatest advert ever” – even by some of the more sentient of YouTube commenters.

But for all the coverage it’s got Yeo Valley and all the online views, as a representation of the Yeo Valley and the organic farming community it’s so cringe-worthy it’s little more than a really long and expensive updating of the “Young Farmers Do It With Their Wellies On” bumper sticker. But not as funny. Because its combination of premium brand organic yoghurt and chav-hop just makes it so completely unpalatable. As unpalatable as a pot of organic yoghurt that’s been left on a radiator for a fortnight.

Only it’s slightly cheesier. Huh. And more stomach churning. Huh, huh. And more blood curdling. Huh, huh, huh. And it turns your phlegm pro-biotic. Huh… Erm, I’ve got carried away with dairy puns, haven’t I?

Anyway, big up your chest and watch the cow’s mess:

So after the ads overwhelming positive response, I’m sure this wont be the most popular entry on TWS but I’ve got a message for the dissenters : “AYHSMW” – that’s “All You Haterz Suck My Wurzels” obviously:

Bumpkin ‘Till I Dies.

RED Driving School has previous on TV’s Worst Adverts. A post that has drawn some pretty angry reader comments about the company (have you people not read the comments policy?). And further to our hard-hitting, research-free, blog-based rant RED (“Always in capitals – the branding’s the cornerstone of our success”) Driving Schools have become something of a cause célèbre for light-weight, bald-headed, tv-based consumer programmes.

But clearly having learnt their lesson after all this negative publicity, the latest advert from RED really reins in the hyperbole and simply promises us “a better life” if we become a driving instructor. It’s good to know we’re not subjected to that nonsense about choosing your own hours and earning 30 grand a year. What’s that? They do that too? Just with slightly different words? Oh.

Anyways, it’s now generally accepted that the paradise, the spotty-faced milk and honey RED Driving School and that dead-eyed Anita Dobson wannabe previously promised us might not be quite so peachy. So let’s not go over old ground again. K? K?

And as it happens there seems to be a far more worrying issue raised by this latest advert – a shocking lack of knowledge when it comes to the basics of the highway code. The website being pimped by the ad is go-red.co.uk.

Go red?

No, no, no, Red. Stop red. Go green – and flashing amber if it’s safe to do so.

Tsk, tsk.

I had a Holland’s Pie the other day and although it was, as some might say, proper tasty there was one negative, the pastry had a really long ginger hair in it. Now where on Earth could that have come from?

Not really, that’s all lies. I never even seen an ‘Olland’s Pies pie.

I suspect my complete lack of Holland pie sightings is, after seeing the advert above, due to the fact:

• I’m not from the North.
• I don’t live in the 1850′s.

Of course, I’m sure this advert is trying to make me nostalgic for a simpler, more gravy smothered time. A time when proper pies were made by proper child-loving pie men albeit with slightly lax food hygiene standards. Sadly what it actually leaves me thinking is the people from’t'North – and possibly those proper tasty Holland’s Pies – are 160 years out-of-date.

And really, who honestly wants a pie that’s 160 years out-of-date? Proper or not.

If you locked an infinite number of ad executives in a room for an infinite amount of time, would one of them eventually understand the concept of “dumb luck”?

Seemingly not.

The planets must be aligned because it was exactly a year ago today that I wrote about the “still hilarious after all this time” Aleksandr the meerkat from the “just when you thought racism couldn’t get any funnier” CompareTheMarket.Com adverts.

Those of you with little better to waste your life upon will remember that I rather amusingly claimed that Omid Djalili would be starring in their next advert as the “compere” of a “market”. At the time it seemed like a rather harmless little joke. Well no-one’s laughing now.

Here’s Omid starring in the new advert for MoneySupermarket.com:

OK, OK. He’s not exactly compering the market. But surely this is a little too coincidental, wouldn’t you say?

Is this another case of TV’s Worst Adverts not getting the credit it deserves?