I can’t decide who I would kill first if I was sat next to this pair on a flight: Stewart, Walters or myself.

Here’s a snippet of their oh-so-natural conversation as the “genuinely friends in real lfe” – who were in no way crow barred together just for this advert – enjoy a bit of in-flight entertainment: 

Julie Walters: “One fifty from a fiver is… three pounds fifty. Yessssssss.”

Patrick Stewart: “The synapses are firing!”

For the love of God! 

One of them is so pleased with her ability to answer a basic maths question that she behaves like she’s just won University Challenge – all by herself.

The other one is patronising in the most gut churning and unnecessarilly intellectual way possible.

Everytime it comes on I want to scream: “She’s doing something a 5 year old would find easy!”.

Sadly, I can’t find this advert on the Tube but feel that the splendour of Patrick Stewart’s moustache alone makes this previous advert a worthy entry in the TV’s Worst Adverts archives:

Thanks to Trystan for submitting this bad ad.

Well, the DFS Nickleback Rockstar ad really is the advert that keeps on giving.

The horrific dancing, the terrible CGI and a recording of a cat having its claws slowly pulled out – or, as they prefer to call it, Nickleback’s Rockstar – playing in the background, made this one of the most hated adverts on TV in recent months.

And now, thanks to the ASA having had the fingers on its left-hand on the Nation’s wrist and the fingers on its right-hand on that bit of the Nation’s neck just below the Nation’s jaw bone to make sure it had at least one set of fingers on Nation’s pulse, they’ve banned the advert.

Just 6 months after it first appeared on TV.

What’s worse is the ASA didn’t ban the advert due to it being an affront to all things decent but because DFS couldn’t prove that the CGI didn’t make the sofas look “disproportionately big”.

This was enough for 21 people to complain that the advert was misleading. Disappointingly, we’ve not been told just how big those people thought the sofas would be:

“We saw the advert with the little people dancing and thought the sofa would be the size of Table Mountain but it turns out it’s only the size of a sofa.”

Amusingly, one of the reasons that DFS couldn’t prove that the settees were bigger in the advert than in reality is because they’d sold out of all the featured sofas. Oh the irony.

Anyways, I can’t help but feel that banning this advert because of the CGI is a little like jailing Capone for tax evasion. Yes, it’s off the air but there’s not the satisfaction of seeing it convicted for it’s most heinous crimes.

Ho hum.

And spare a thought though, if you will, for the forgotten victims of this advert: the actors who appear in it. Because, nevermind what they did to the sofas, DFS made every one of these poor saps look like a disproportionately large cock.

As any sane person knows everyone alive today can be split into two categories: PC or Mac.

And on the off chance that you’re not sure which you are I’ve knocked together a handy check list.

You’re a Mac if all of the following:

• You work in Graphic Design.
• You wear t-shirts with ironic slogans on them that would make a non-Mac look like a complete knob.
• You’re currently sleeping with 5 people at the same time. At least 3 of them are models – but all of them are perfectly happy with the arrangement.
• You live in the gay quarter of either Manchester or Bristol – even though you’re 80% sure you’re not gay. Well, 65% sure.
• You’re far too cock-achingly cool to be reading TV’s Worst Adverts.

You’re a PC if you’re any of the following:

• Not all of the Mac ones above.

So they decided to get their own back with their series of “I’m a PC” adverts. Yeah, Microsoft were going to give Apple a bitch slap they wouldn’t soon forget:

Except, and I’m sure this will amaze you as much as it amazes me, in making these adverts Microsoft have taken one of Apple’s ideas and made it very, very nerdy and many, many times shitter.

Who would have thunk it?

Of course, one of the main problems with these advert’s pathetic attempt at portraying PC users as some kind breed of uber-Fonzies, lies with the fact that PCs aren’t sexy or cool.

PC’s are – and hold the front page for this one – functional and dull.

And there are few things nerdier than nerds trying to be cool. In fact these Microsoft ads miss the mark so much – one of them even features Bill, for funk’s sake – that they make David Mitchell’s character from the Apple adverts seem like Justin Timberlake.

So come on Microsoft, stop trying to be cool and keep doing what you’re good at: Add a few more functions to Excel so I can get my accounts done!