Oh, Christ! The start of another week at work.

I don’t know if I can face it; grinding out the 7.5 for the minimum wage.

You know how it is, tick follows tock follows tick follows tock, oh and there’s an occasional bong.

You wait. That’s what you do.

Waiting for 17:30, knowing that in 29 minutes times you’ll have made it to the pub and ordered a pint of the black stuff.

Yeah, that’s why 17:59 is traditionally known as “Miller Time!”.

No, no, not “Miller Time”, you idiot! What do you think this is, the 90′s?

No, the marketeers have decided that 17:59 is now “Guinness Time”!

Anyway, regardless of what the actual time is where you are, this advert is letting you know that Guinness have been making, er, Guinness for 249 years now.

Which means next year, to mark the 250th anniversary of the first person experiencing the initial repulsion followed by slow acceptance and ultimate enjoyment of drinking Guinness, will be a year like no other in Ireland’s history – a year where they have a 365 day long drinkathon!

Oh no, hang on, that is just like every other year.

Who cares? Let’s party.

What’s particularly interesting about this advert though is that previously little had been known about how the World’s most famous stout drink is made. The mysterious owner of Guinness is rarely seen in public and no-one has ever been seen entering nor leaving the imposing St James’ Gate brewery.

So it’s wonderful that this ad let’s us see exactly how a pint is made. And who would have thunk it, Guinness is made by Oompa Loompas!

I was a little surprised to see the Ooompa Loompas in a TV advert though, particularly after this warning they gave Mike TV:

Oompa Loompa doompadee doo
I’ve got another puzzle for you
Oompa Loompa doompadah dee
If you are wise you’ll listen to me

What do you get from a glut of TV?
A pain in the neck and an IQ of three
Why don’t you try simply reading a book?
Or could you just not bear to look?

You’ll get no
You’ll get no
You’ll get no
You’ll get no
You’ll get no commercials

Oompa Loompa Doompadee Dah
If you’re not greedy you will go far
You will live in happiness too
Like the Oompa
Oompa Loompa doompadee do

Magical stuff though, I think you’ll agree.

Is your name “Lehman”?

Have you and your brother just found yourselves out of a job?

If you’ve answered yes to either of the questions above, then read on, I might be able to help you.

Because, assuming you haven’t just thrown yourself out of your 32nd floor office window, now is the ideal time to retrain as a plumber, electrician, joiner or professional tea drinker.

And thanks to a very well timed advert, it seems that The Skills Centre is the ideal place to do that training. But just in case you missed The Skills Centre’s “inspirational” advert, here’s Simon Breadbin’s recap for you:

“Tony! How are things?

Let’s have an impossibly stilted exchange about what’s happened in the three years since we did our generic ‘work’ at ‘The Site’.

I’ve being doing ‘a course’ and got ‘my certificate’; yes, working AND learning.

Look at my smug van and tidy beard. Hark as I drop not a single aitch whilst whining my way through a script that makes Elton Johns hair look natural.

I’m better than you now Tony; you’re shit, and I’m ace.

Ha ha! Your life is ashes, YOUR LIFE IS ASHES…”

Nice one, Simon!

Judge for yourself.

Why is this advert still on TV?

It’s bizarre mix of heady, aspirational guff combined with a completely mental claim that makes it just so very confused.

Make my clothes smell of “white diamonds and lotus flower”, you say? Oh no, I don’t think so.

After all, any self-respecting, social-climber is going to do themselves no favours at all by claiming they smell of “white diamonds”.

“Ooh, you smell nice. What is it?” – the concierge at the new spa you’ve just joined might ask.
“It’s the smell of luxury – white diamonds” – you’d reply.
“Our health club doesn’t want idiots like you as members. Get out!” – he’d be forced to tell you.

And research has shown that you can only make yourself sound cheaper if you claim that the scent your clothes are infused with is, in fact, “white diamonique“.

Ultimately the big problem for me is that, probably like most sane people, I’m at a complete loss as to what white diamonds smell like.

I’m guessing they smell of pretentious bullshit.

I could be wrong of course, because there was a while when, as a impoverished student, I used to smell of Diamond White on a fairly regular basis, and that’s definitely not the kind of odour that would go down too well in a swanky restaurant.

Anyways, whatever it actually smells of, here are a couple more fragrances that I hope Bold will let us infuse our clothes with:

• White Elephant - The fragrance of a gift you wished you hadn’t received.
• Jimmy White - The smell of World Championship failure.
• White Supremacy - The stench of ignorance and hatred.

If you’ve got any more fragrances you wish you could infuse your clothes with, please feel free to add them below.

While I finish pulling my finger out and start writing proper reviews again, I’ve got a quick question for you: what do you get if you put Stefan Dennis in the wash on too high a temperature?

That’s right, Doug the Security Guard from the new Absolute Radio adverts:

It’s easy to make crass jokes about midgets/Australian soap opera mega stars but it seems that Absolute Radio think just because midgets are inherently “oh so very funny” they don’t need to write any actual jokes for their adverts.

They. Are. Wrong.

I know what it’s like: somewhere between finishing your Pot Noodle and starting your wank you like to toddle over to TV’s Worst Adverts and see what’s been written by someone who’s an even bigger loser than you are.

But then suddenly there’s a giant spanner in your plan, TV’s Worst Adverts hasn’t been updated for ages!

Meaning your Beef & Tomato flavoured textured soya has hardly gone down by the time you’re cutting the rug down at the 5 digit disco.

But don’t worry, it’s not the end of the World nor is it the end of TWA.

My life has just turned upside down for the past couple of months and I’ve hardly been able to sit in front of the nightmare box let alone in front of this here electronic typewriter machine thing.

And for everyone whose life feels a little emptier, be strong, I’ll try and get TWA back on track over the next couple of weeks.

I promise.

Big up yourselves,
Silky.