Note From Silky

Hoorah! Here’s the first post from another of TV’s Worst Adverts new writers – Darren. Let’s hope you make him feel as lovely and welcome as you did Ian.

When You Had Diarrhoea This Morning

Now then, I understand that some products, medicines specifically, can be difficult to advertise. 

And if they treat symptoms which punters may not wish to admit to having – even to a pharmacist let alone anyone else – it’s important to get the product name out there.  The sufferer is empowered to pick the product off the shelf, and the company therefore increases sales: everyone’s a winner.  To sum up, I have no problem with diarrhea tablet adverts appearing on TV.

What I have a problem with is being accused of having the shits. And I have a very fucking big problem with being accused of having the shits every fucking day.

Here’s my bone of contention: Imodium Plus’s advert starts with the phrase “when you had diarrhoea this morning”.  Now let’s clear this up: I DID NOT HAVE DIARRHOEA THIS MORNING.

9 times out of 10. No, 99 times out of 100! No, in fact, I can’t remember the last time I had diarrhea, and it’s not something you forget in a hurry. And I eat a lot of curry. 

So I really resent the implication, and not just on a personal level – I just do not accept that there are enough people in the UK each day who warrant the accusation that they suffered a brown rage attack that morning.

I could be wrong. Maybe masses of people do have it each morning. But if that is the case? Shut the fuck up about it! I don’t want to know!

Ewww, really. Come on!

People on my train to work? In my local? In the queue at Subway? Half of them have got the shits? 

Well thanks for letting me know, I don’t fucking think. 

As for the sufferers themselves, well, do they give each other knowing glances? Form support groups? Is diarrhoea something the sufferers of could draw strength from knowing there are other people around who understand what they’re going through?

No. It isn’t. It’s just the shits.

I understand the strategy.  And I believe it could and would work for other products.  If you’re advertising on Bravo or Nuts TV or Movies4Men then maybe you could try “When you had a hangover this morning…”. You could make people feel fantastic by advertising condoms with “When you had sex this morning…”. 

But, really, for fucks sake, diarrhoea? Have a word! 

In fact, have the word “If”.

Judge For Yourself.

Note From Silky

Here’s the first post from one of TV’s Worst Adverts new writers – Ian Smith. So go on, have a read and make him feel nice and at home here on TWA.

Decisive Moments

I’m really worried about the guys at Vodafone. Not content with being an worldwide mobile phone giant, they seem to always play cupid.

Now don’t get me wrong, I love a happy ending (that’s why I’m hoping the next BT ad will end with that smug bloke from that cheap as chips sitcom jumps off a cliff because he “oh look I’m dating an older woman, how very post modern” marriage is up the spout).

But when it comes to adverts striving for a happy ending, whenever you talk about it, the conversation always seem to goes like this:

“Oh you seen that ad where etc etc etc?”
“Yeah, what’s it for?”
“Dunno.”

Which kinds of defies the point of an advert. Adverts are just adverts, they’re not remaking Shakespeare – which is my main problem with this ad.

This advert is mostly shown in F1 ad breaks, so apart from being really annoying to the viewers hoping to see a ten car pile up but instead are watching animal hybrids’ sexy dancing, it’s pretty easy to advertise to them.

All they wanna see is cars, cars, cars. That’s why there watching.

After all, these are people who will pay hundreds of pounds to see something they could probably see at Tesco’s car parks for free at 3 o’clock in the morning.

So they got the first part right by placing Lewis in his very fast, very expensive car but it all goes wrong from there.

But then they shoehorn this “we only get one chance” storyline in which Lewis seems to have taken on a part time job as taxi driver delivering forlorn softies to there loved ones for one last kiss.

It’s kinda like the Renault “Nicole” adverts but with a bit more than just Va Va Voom.

Either that or Lewis found the wife of the Steward who docked him the points recently and decides to show the bad side of Lewis by ploughing into her at 180 mph.

Ever since their “Time Thief” advert it seems like Vodafone are hell bent on saving the notion of love.

And where will it end? Next week, don’t be too surprised if you see Lewis Hamilton using his very fast car to end world hunger.

Just a few months back when I was doing a last minute trawl of the cheapo card shops to pay my annual “Your father is still alive” tax I noticed a card that read:

“Happy Father’s Day, Uncle”

If you’re looking for a sign of just how liberal our society has become suerly this is it: not only are we openly talking about incest, we’re actually make a greetings card celebrating it!

But it didn’t end there. A quick scan of the shop revealed that you can also get a card that wishes you a “Happy Birthday from your Pet Dog”, a card that commiserates you on “Failing your Driving Test… Again” and card that welcomes you “Home on Parole”.

And now Always seem to think they’ve spotted a gap in the market and are, in their latest adverts, wishing women a “Happy Period!”.

Yeah, have a “Happy Period”.

Alright, blood from inside your body is coming out of your body from an opening between your legs. So what?

No need to get all upperty about it, is there?

So why not have a happy one instead!

With this in mind, and knowing my special someone was about to start her period, I went out and bought a “Happy Period” card. I got some balloons and streamers too and a cake I had made specially. “Have a Happy Period” it said, in big red letters.

When she walked through the door, I let off a party popper and cheered “Happy Period! Woo!”.

Anyway, this is the reason I haven’t posted much over the past couple of weeks.

I’m making a steady recovery though… I can type again at least and the doctors say within a month I should be back up on my feet.

We seem to be too ashamed of the bloody awfulness of this advert in England that I can’t find a copy online so here’s the French one instead: