There may be people out there in the World of the Web who have noticed that this post is a few days late.

This unfortunate event is caused by a series of unfortunate events that have exploded from within me over the past few days.

If you’re at a loss as to what that means, think John Hurt in Alien.

Except replace his chest with my bum hole.

And replace the alien with copious amounts of runny poo and you’ll be heading in the right direction.

If only I had some Imodium to hand I could have “opened up my life” rather than my bowels.

OK, so enough toilet talk, here’s this month’s results:

1. Picture Loans - Dad’s Found Your Scooter
2. Formoline
3. Picture Loans - An Adult Conversation
4. Garnier Nutrisse - Davina McCall
5. The Gadget Help Line

So Injury Lawyers 4U with Billy Murray have been knocked off the top spot with Picture Loans Dad’s Found Your Scooter regaining it’s crown.

In fact, Picture Loans have won this award so many times I think I might have to rename in their honour. Hhm, maybe they could sponsor it too… £25,000 should be about right, wouldn’t you say?

Well, that’s it for another Picture Loans (You know the one with that God awful Geordie woman in it) Awards post.

Same time next month (bottoms depending).

It’s been quite a ride for Adam and Jane - or to give them their proper names “that bloke off of My Family” and “the MILF” - during their run in the BT broadband electro wireless hub cine projector thingy adverts.

We’ve followed them through cost-a-fortunum gags, via dodgy haircuts and possibly the worst house party ever.

Through Adam leering over Jane’s friends and Jane sneering at Adam’s desperate attempts to get his wicked way.

But now it seems like it’s all over. He’s gone to Cornwall for his dream job, she’s stuck back home with the brats.

So is this the end of BT’s gold(Blend)en couple or will they find a way to work things out?

Who cares.

Judge for yourself.

Old blokes - don’t they just go on and on.

“During the war” this. “When I was filming Zulu Dawn” that.

And it never takes them long before they’re repeating the same old stories.

Like this old fella, Peter O’Toole:

God, I swear I’ve heard that story before. Now where was it?

Oh, yes. I remember, it was here:

Thanks to Snooks for submitting this bad ad.

Sometimes the bad ads submitted by TV’s Worst Adverts readers are one word long (usually that word is “Shit!”) then on the odd occasion there’s a gem of a rant against all things advert that turns up in my inbox.

Like this one from Marsten. So I’ll let him/her take it from here:

Apparently this Just for Men advert been around in the States for a while and, just like a bad case of diphtheria, it’s spread over here.

The entire concept hinges on the idea that the kids want their dad to dye his hair. Why does this matter so much to them? Well, they want a new mummy.

Isn’t that sweet?

No. No it’s not.

Implying that the entire gamut of issues facing single-parent families in our modern society can be solved by dying your hair, is fucking ridiculous.

Really, it’s no wonder that the man looks so surprised when he pulls down his newspaper (probably also due in part to having an entire tub of talcum powder tipped over his head during the make-up session for this advert) to be confronted by his kids - I’d be pretty fucking surprised too.

What the fuck is this? An advert for hair dye or an expose into childhood disenfranchisement and the gradual dissolution of the nuclear family?

Obviously what they DIDN’T film was the sequence that was due to take place in the middle, where the father explains to his kids with heartfelt tears flowing, just how difficult things have been since his beloved wife was killed, how he’s taken up drinking to quash the memories, and cries himself to sleep each night through a haze of misery and cheap whisky.

Oh wait, you mean that’s NOT what the advert was going for?

Well then maybe it should leave the idea of ‘kids who want a new mummy’ alone and stick to shilling out hair dye, then!

Because trying to bring serious issues like that into an advert for dye that has a tenancy to wash out, is ultimately about as funny as someone catching a new, rare form of cancer that causes them to set fire to an orphanage and stamp on puppies.

And it’s SO fucking sentimental and mushy, I swear I could just die in a puddle of my own vomit.

So what’s next for ‘Just for Men’? My guess, a heart-warming and sentimental advert about Jack, a quiet loner, who lures women into his basement, strangles them with fishing wire, and wears their skin. And he can do it all and overcome his quietness and lack of confidence, all thanks to Just for Men hair dye!

Nice one, Marsten.

More guff from Peugeot about their new 308 SW:

“Room to explore your dreams”

Anyone who’s dreams involve a Peugeot 308 SW in any way shape or form - regardless of how many “individual seats” it might have and even if that dream is seeing all Peugeot 308 SW wiped from the face of the Earth - isn’t doing dreaming properly.

Judge for yourself.

Here’s a bad ad submission that features one of my pet hates in adverts: actors pretending to be “real” customers.

Obviously you can’t have real “real” people in adverts because “real” people have shit hair, and goofy teeth, and dribble uncontrollably from the corner of their mouthes.

“Real” people are the very people you don’t want buying your product - let alone promoting it.

And even if you want the “real” people in your advert to be *quirky*, it’s still safest to get actors to be fake real quirky people for you.

As Orbit demonstrate below:

Thanks to Inssey for submitting this bad ad.

For the purposes of transparency, I should disclose that it wasn’t me who copy and pasted Inssey’s submission into this post but an actor. It turns out she’s better at being me than I am.

What a bitch.

Even those of us with only a rudimentary grasp of human biology know that there are 2 types of sex configurations.

But now-a-days what with all this sexual equality guff (women wearing trousers?) and an obesity epidemic that makes most men have breasts that would put Katie Price to shame, it’s getting harder to tell the sexes apart without asking people to drop their trousers.

Fortunately for the less gropey, science has come up with an answer - the Keys Factor.

The Keys Factor (KF) enables laymen to judge whether the person they’re about to sleep with (either for professional or purely pleasure reasons) is of the male or female persuasion.

Here’s how it works: someone with a high KF score is very manly and likely to be a man. Someone with a low KF score is very feminine and likely to be a lady.

Simple.

Using the KF scale scientists have proven that they are catagorically no females in some parts of Eastern Europe and not a single female in all of South America. They have also found that the male professional cyclist is, on average, 57% more female than French women. FACT.

Despite this overwhelming evidence I was dubious that lowering the Keys Factor could make a woman more feminine, so I did a little test of my own.

I took the hairiest woman I could find on the streets of London and made her sit in a bath of Veet for an entire day.

Amazingly, it worked!

If you don’t believe me, check out the before and after pictures below:

Before:

After:

She’s quite the stunner, I think you’ll agree.

Note to Reader: My lawyers have asked me to point out that under no circumstances should you sit in a bath of Veet for an entire day.

God only knows what it might actually do.

Judge for yourself.

I’d lined up this advert from Churchill Car Insurance on the grounds that “it was a bit of a rip off of a recent AA Car Insurance advert” - you know a bloke driving a car insurers around in his car.

But in the time it’s taken me to get round to writing something (which at the moment is approximately the same time it takes Jupiter to get round the sun) there’s been a bit of a storm in a dog’s bowl over the Chruchill’s Dog using the F-word:

Does it sound like he says “Fuck”?

“Oh Yes” (do you see what I’ve done there?).

Of course, in no way is this as bad as the time the Kia Ora boy used the C-word or when Mr Soft said the N-word (who even knew he could speak?).

But with Churchill’s track record of inappropriate behaviour around women - one that would put even John Leslie to shame - revelations that he swears come as little surprise.

In the next advert I fully expect to see him dry humping the leg of a Queen Mother lookalike (if not the actual Queen Mother - you know what dogs are like, they’ll dig up anything) whilst smoking crack and listening to Scooter.

Where will this dog’s crimes against the British public end?

Here’s another entry in the Scorn in the ASA category.

If you’re anything like me, when you heard that people had complained about Peter Jones’ co-star for having “pointy teeth, green-grey skin, large ears and goblinesque features” you thought “She might bot be the Mona Lisa but that’s a little harsh on Deborah Meaden”.

You’ll then have gone on to feel a little foolish when you found out that the complaints were actually about the Gremlins featured in the BT IT support advert and not about the sour-faced Dragon after all.

Who knew? Who knew?

It does however, turn out that 11 mummies and daddies complained to the ASA that their little prince and princesses got so scared by the advert that they went on to have “nightmares”.

Now, I’m not going to be too critical of the children that were frightened by the Gremlins though, because as a child I had the bejesus scared out of me on a weekly basis by the children’s TV programme Worzel Gummidge.

For all you cocky, city dwelling ex-kids a TV programme about a scarecrow that COMES TO LIFE (yeah, that’s right, bold and capitals) might not seem that bad. But I lived in the countryside, surrounded by fields inhabited by literally hundreds scarecrows which thanks to a kids TV programme I thought COULD COME TO LIFE!

Which sicko thought that was a suitable topic for kids? Honestly.

Anyways, for those of you with a mental age over 4 or those hidden behind a settee, here’s the advert with the frightening Peter Jones and those hilarious Gremlins (I think I got those the right way round):

Just a quick apology to say that we’re having some technical difficulties here at TWA towers so some things are appearing then disappearing - like the voting icons.

Fuck knows why, but I’m working on it.

Cheers, Silky.