Blimey!

There goes another month in shit advert land.

Although it has been a month of some advertising abominations, it has also been a month of joy with the return of everyone’s favourite high-waist banded, villa selling, uber-Spaniard Jose Luis Hernández from Polaris World.

Hoorah!

And, on top of Jose’s return we seem to have final bade “good riddance” to tight-skinned doer of made-up job and discoverer of all things bullshit Nadine Baggott.

Although, if I’m honest, I am a little sad to see her go. After all it’s one less person to get in a rage about.

Now, who’s this Eve Cameron fellow…

Ooh, and it looks as if we’ve seen the last of Howard from the Halifax adverts.

Which is a massive shame because after 8 years of performing, in essence, song rape by making popular ditties be about interest rates those adverts were finally growing on me…

And finally, it’s been a bumper year for complaints about adverts.

This frankly amazes me. I mean, what sort of idiot would complain about the quality of adverts?

April’s Top 5 Bad Ads

And so to this month’s idiocy. Here’s the top 5:

1. Picture Loans - Dad’s Found Your Scooter
2. Picture Loans - An Adult Conversation
3. Moonpig
4. The Gadget Helpline
5. Injury Lawyers 4 U - Billy Murray

Ironically, the Halifax is out of the top 5 for the first time in ages. They’ve been replaced by Billy Murray and his Injury Lawyers 4 U advert.

Maybe it was karma.

Maybe it was destiny.

Maybe they should sue.

Who knows.

Same time, next month?

What I love about the BBC is it’s independence and it’s complete lack of advertising.

AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAA!

Sorry about that, I can never say that with a straight face.

Whether the BBC is busy promoting a West End musical or pumping police propaganda into our living rooms it seems far from independent these days.

And you simply can’t turn onto a BBC channel without seeing an advert for one of their other BBC shows (OK, they might call them “trailers” but there’s at least one on ever 30 minutes on each channel).

Generally these range from the tediously factual “Songs of Praise on BBC 1 in 30 minutes” type to the outrageous tabloid headline “Pensioners Raped in NHS Hospital by Government on Panorama Tuesday 8pm” type.

Neither of which particularly bother me.

However, this one for the return of Bianca Jackson to Eastenders takes the biscuit. It really does:

Yes, Bianca shouting “Ricky” at the top of her voice may have been her trade mark but, oh God, her singing voice on this advert makes me wish I were deaf.

Sung in one droning note, it has the same effect on my brain as stuffing a burning bag of dog shit in my ear and having an angry door step owner stamping it out.

And she quite literally (Ricky) butchers one of the greatest pop songs ever written with her mockney accent:

“When argh ad you to maa selve argh deedn’t warghnt you argh round.”

She annunciates like she’s Barbara Windsor to the power of Dick Van Dyke.

Oh, Anita Dobson must be turning in her grave!

No BBC, this advert is too much, too much I tell you.

Are you one of those poor deluded fools that thinks “TV Advertising” is all about “Advertising” on “TV”?

Don’t you know what century it is, Grandad?

Haven’t you heard of social networking? User-generated content? Not even heard of the internet?

No? People like you make me sick!

In this modern age, it seems that TV advertising is as much about creating an online *buzz* as it is having a good advert. Of course, the pinnacle is creating an online *buzz* and having a great advert, like Cadburys did with their Drumming Gorilla advert - I’m sure I’m not the only one who saw the advert on YouTube before seeing it on the tele box.

And Sony are trying the same with their latest advert for their fancy digital imaging equipment - you know, like cameras and shit.

They’ve been creating an online *buzz* for a few weeks now - helped by the fact some people are keen to see how they’re going to follow up: Balls, Paint and Bunnies.

They’ve done it with rumours being leaked from the film set, flying blogger what blogs about adverts to Miami (not this one though, advert haters, but like the Murphy’s, I’m not bitter), posting sneak previews on YouTube.

Until finally they post this online a good 2 weeks before it’s going to be shown on UK TV:

So, seeing as it’s not as good as the hype (oh yeah, and did I mention I didn’t get a free trip to the States) I think it’s only right that we create a little bit of negative online *buzz* here at TV’s Worst Adverts.

I’ll get the ball rolling, you feel free to jump in whenever:

• Derivative! Shit!
• Self-indulgent! Wankers!
• Messy! Bastards!

I mean, even if the flights were too expensive, they could have at least sent me some stuff, you know, like cameras and shit…

What do you think the makers of this advert were watching on MTV when they came up with the idea:

Leave your answers in the comments, please.

Not yet though….

Wait for it….

OK, Go!

Some might say that watching American Idol is torture enough but having to sit through these Chicago Town pizza adverts every ad break compounds that torture no end:

Much like the pizzas they are advertising these 10 second thumb screws are exceedingly cheap and particularly tasteless.

All feature a hapless bunch of misfits who were found, I presume, scavenging round the clothes recycling bins at the local Asda by the production company. Although, quite aptly for sponsorship of a TV talent show, the *stars* are clearly desperate to get on TV now matter how badly they have to degrade themselves in front of the viewing public.

Such as the charmingly retiring girl in the advert shown above.

As she (amazingly) manages to “out-slag” Girls Aloud, with her bingo wings flailing and bosomers heaving in her bestest River Island dress, I can’t help but wonder “Why?” (For the record, I also normally wonder whether I’m going to keep my tea down).

Why would you do that to yourself?

What did they tell her that made her think appearing in that advert was a good idea?

I guess they offered to pay her in Chicago Town pizzas and she was more than happy with this deal to make herself look like a giant lime and orange jelly having a fit.

But Chicago Town, what do you think she makes you look like?

I really can’t decide if there’s some charmingly ironic shitness to this animated LOL Cats horror show of an advert or whether it is, in fact, just shit.

There’s undoubtedly something that puts a little grin on my face when it comes on but, crickey, the demonic voice on the jingle and the mad staring eyes of the cats topped off with a lovely little feline threat at the end is just plain creepy.

Who knows what this is all about?

I certainly don’t but then maybe I’ve just gotten too old for this kind of thing.

Now, where’s my Ovaltine?

Previously in the Transitions Lenses advert we glimpsed into the future.

We learnt it will be a marvellous place: Cities in the skies, flying cars, everyone walking from the dark into the light and then back into the dark again.

Oh, we also learnt that wearing glasses with Transitions Lenses make you look like a giant walking cock.

This time in Transitions Lenses adverts we get a glimpse in to the glamorous life of a sexy European nature film maker and have learnt that:

“You don’t have to be a nature film maker to depend on your eyes”.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Say that again, will you?

“You don’t have to be a nature film maker to depend on your eyes”.

I thought that’s what you said.

This is quite annoying because I do depend on my eyes but up until now believed you did have to be a nature film make to depend on your eyes, so have spent my life filming nature.

Bollocks. Why didn’t someone tell me this before?

Of course, I’m only joking, but sadly the makers of this advert aren’t. I hear that they’re also making “You don’t have to be an ex-England cricketer to depend on your heart” (that’s the new Shreaded Wheat advert) and “You don’t have to be Nicole Kidman to depend on your brain” (that’s the new Nintendo DS advert).

Ridiculous.

Anyways, here’s a YouTube version from America (I’m guessing) that sadly doesn’t contain the ridiculous statement but it does contain the sexy European nature film maker’s sexy European voice:

Judge for yourself on the English ad.

This entry should really be on Britain’s Overly Sentimental People blog as I find it very hard to believe the response to a little dog shivering for a couple of second on TV but…

If the Internet is to be believed (and I see no reason why it shouldn’t be) somewhere between 600 and 6 billion people from the UK complained that the dog in the Volkswagon Polo advert looked like it may well have, at some point in its life, although we can’t say for sure, been frightened.

Such was the outcry that Volkswagon have been forced to say they “didn’t threaten to chop the mutt’s nuts of if it looked at them in that pathetic puppy dog way again” (I’m paraphrasing there) in order to make it shiver and also that they aren’t going to re-run the adverts when they come to the end of their current run because “you’re all too stupid to get the joke” (Frankly I’ve just made that bit up).

Anyways, it turns out the dog was acting - although quite why they have to drag Martine McCutcheon in to the story, I don’t know.

What’s that?

Oh, the dog in this advert was acting.

Yes, I see, *acting* dogs, I get it.

Actually, no, no I don’t get it.

I strongly suspect that the dog’s direction was something along these lines “Once more with pathos, Lovey, and you’ll get a Schmacko” but if it’s called “acting” on Hollyoaks then it’s acting here, I suppose.

So, for all those people that think an animal stood on a vibrating platform constitutes cruelty - which, come on, is a giant leap forward in the treatment of animal TV stars considering they put electrodes on Mr Ed’s bollocks to make him talk (which was hilarious, I think we all agree) - here’s the advert for you to vote on:

I’ve read some very scathing attacks on ex-junky, failed chat show host and perennially pregnant Davina McCall (it’s a little known fact that she’s never given birth she just is pregnant) but you wont find that sort of tittle-tattle here at TVs Worst Adverts.

No, what I love/hate (I’m like that with a lot of adverts; always flip-flopping) about this Garnier Nutrisse (it means “nourish” in bullshit, don’t you know) is the very half hearted and quite frankly ridiculously obvious claim about their hair dye half way through:

“Covers up to 100% of Grey” you say, Garnier?

Well, stone me.

That is clever.

Ever since the whole Head & Shoulders “I can still see my dandruff on Google Maps” shenanigans that resulted in them having to add “Makes dandruff invisible from 2000 yards” (or something like that) on all their advertising, companies have been a little bit cowardly in their claims.

I’m not sure why either, when we all know that they can claim anything they like as long as 60% of 26 women agree with what they say.

So come on, Garnier! Grow a backbone and do some made up research!

My Wife has a touching saying:

“If you want to have a wank, have it at home!”

This isn’t just a salacious glimpse into marital affairs at TWA Towers but is also a harsh judgement on Performance Art.

And I can’t help but think that it applies to the follow up to Cadbury’s Gorilla advert, Trucks:

Whereas the simple absurdity of the Gorilla playing drums to Phil Collins more than filled the cup and a half full of joy this new ad misses the mark by some way.

It’s as if Michael Mann has started making kids programmes - really, really boring ones.

The advert feels about as long as Heat - the film (171 min) not the magazine (21cm) - and 40 minutes into the advert I’m close to death by boredom. Even as the music kicks in and the trucks race along the runway, there’s no excitement, there’s no tension or drama and definitely no joy.

I just can’t help but think this was the ad agency having one very boring and very expensive wank at Cadbury’s expense.

So next time lads, take my wife’s advice and stay at home.