Well, that’s another month over with and what a month it’s been for TWA.
Not only was it our first birthday but this month saw the biggest number of advert haters visiting this humble little blog.
If I’m reading the figures right, and I’m sure I am, nearly 6.5billion unique visitors came along in March.
Crickey!
Competition Madness
As I’m sure you know, to celebrate the 1st birthday we had a few competitions through out the month. I’d like to say a big thanks to all those that entered - I really was surprised at just how many of you have too much time on your hands. In particular a big thanks to the esteemed winners of the various comps:
Gina
Mike
PIFLover
Bill
Agnes
The Worst of 2007/08
This month has also seen you voting for the worst UK TV advert of 2007/08. After a colossal 480 votes the winner (or loser, I’m not sure which) is Picture Loans - Dad’s Found Your Scooter.
Just in case you’re one of the lucky few who hasn’t seen the advert, here it is in all it’s glory. Marvellous:
I’m addicted to shows like Police, Camera, Action! and all of those BBC clones that keep Jamie Theakston in Mayfair dungeons (”Look, it was a long time ago, he doesn’t go any more and he said he’s sorry, can we all just forget about it?”) long after all his other TV jobs seemed to have dried up.
It’s true I really can’t get enough. Yes, I find that there are few things more entertaining on TV then watching a bunch of lobotomised chimps speed up and down the country’s motorways - chasing criminals.
Now, I know that the consequences of having a car accident, even one at low speed, can be extremely serious. And there’s nothing funny about people being killed - even if it’s a troupe of clowns in a tragic custard pie accident - but the traffic police are to law and order what the burger van is to haute cuisine.
This however, is not something that the traffic policeman is aware of. They believe they’re the Lord Chief Justice on wheels. Which, of course, explains why when they speak to you, in their uber-patronising tones, it is as if you’ve been driving round in a mobile death camp and, not only that, but you’re actually Eichmann.
Let’s examine a typical scene from one of these shows:
Traffic Policeman: “Did you know, Sir” - they use “Sir” because they can claim they are nothing but polite to you even though they always, always say it in an ironic way - “Did you know, Sir, that your indicator is flashing at a faster than permitted rate?”
Criminal: “No” - The criminal’s best responses are surly and sheepish in equal measures.
Traffic Policeman: “Well, ignorance is not an excuse I’m afraid, is it, Sir? No, no. We all have to take responsibility for our actions, don’t we, Sir? I’m going to have to give you a ticket, aren’t, I Sir?”
Cut to a talking head sequence with the Policeman moralising further about the consequences of excessive indicator flash rate.
“Over 10,000 people are killed or seriously injured each year alone because of indicators blinking too quick. This driver didn’t seem to realise the seriousness of his offence,” then a pause and a look of mild despair into the camera “nor did he seem to care.”
My favourite ever actual scene from the BBC’s programme involved a couple of policemen in Manchester looking for stolen cars.
They drove round in an unmarked police car, wore bombed jackets and both had skin heads. Out on patrol one day, they spotted a pair of teenage lads in a Fiesta, pulled up along side it at the lights and looked menacingly at them. As the cars pulled away the coppers followed the Fiesta which, when it realised it was being followed, took off at speed. They two coppers finally caught up with the lads after a high speed chase through a housing estate, sprinted from their cop car and manically tried to get the lads out of the Fiesta. Before finally smashing the windows with batons, injuring one of the lads inside.
When it all calmed down and they did some “police work”, it turned out the two lads hadn’t done anything. They weren’t wanted for anything and weren’t driving a stolen car. They’d just been scared of these two skin heads who’d stared them out at the lights then followed at high speed.
In the talking head sequence the two traffic policemen seemed to think it was pretty funny they went round terrorising the innocent population of Manchester.
Which is my problem with adverts like this one for car tax:
It menaces the innocent.
“You’d better tax your car,” it cries “because we will get you, you know, Sir”.
It treats us all as guilty despite most of us not having done anything which, if I remember rightly, isn’t quite the cornerstone of justice that the law is built upon.
Just as millions of people have done before us with their dogs, when it’s time for him to go for a walk we say “Walkies!” to him.
I tried to convince my wife that when it was time for him to do his business we should say “Shities!”.
But she vetoed it. We say “Toilet!” instead.
So once in the morning and once at night I stand in the back garden shouting “Toilet! Toilet!” to my dog and to all my neighbours as well.
I’ve even rewritten the rules of English grammar and say “Do Toilet! Do Toilet!” hoping that the crime against syntax will make him piss his little furry pants.
But rarely does it make any difference and I’m stood there jibbering like a fool “Toilet! Toilet! Come on, do toilet!”.
I find it terribly embarrassing.
Yet not as embarrassing as the situation I found myself in the other day…
My mobile contract with Orange is due for renewal. So I popped along to the shop to check out their deals.
“Have you got anything better?” I asked.
“What animal plan are you?” She asked me back.
A shiver went down my spine. My face screwed up like I was chewing a bumble bee that had just eaten a lemon.
TV’s Worst Adverts First Birthday Competition #3!
Yes, we’re back with a third and final TV’s Worst Adverts First Birthday Competition!
After the success of the firsttwo competitions I thought it was only fair to see TWA’s first anniversary month out with a bang.
So here it is.
As always, we’ll start with the prizes.
The Prizes
This time you’ll be amazed to hear that the prize bundle doesn’t just consist of more random crap.
Woo! Not just more random crap! Yeah!
No, this time, thanks to those extremely generous folks from Foxy Bingo, the first prize winner will get a £100 credit to use over at foxybingo.com as well as a bag of Foxes Glacier Mints (paid for from my very own pocket).
Finally, third prize winner will receive a bag of Foxes Glacier Mints (also paid for from my very own pocket).
That’s some mighty fine prizes, I think you’ll agree.
The Competition
The competition is pretty straight forward.
To win the prizes I want you to guess which number house I live at.
Do you see? Do you see what I’ve done there? House? Bingo? Oh forget it.
Anyway, leave your guess in the comments below.
You can guess as many times as you like but I’m only going to count your first guess, so make it a lucky one!
To help you out my house number is somewhere between 1 and 90.
How to Win
So, leave a comment on this post with your guess at my house number.
The person closest to the number will win first prize. The person second closest will win second prize and - guess what? - the person third closest will win third prize.
If it’s a tie, I’ll put the names in a hat and pull the winners at random. The first person out of the hat will win first prize. The second person out of the hat will win… oh, you get it.
Once we have the winners I’ll drop each of you an e-mail to get your home address so please don’t leave any contact details other than a valid e-mail address in the comment.
The closing date for the competition is the 31st March 2008. So you’ve only got a week and a day to enter…
Competition Terms
As there’s a proper prize this time I have to let you know about some terms.
To win the £100 Foxy Bingo credit you must have, or create, an account at foxybingo.com. This credit can only be used at foxybingo.com - so you can’t just cash in once you’ve been credited (sorry).
There are many things that I did as a child that I don’t do now.
I don’t wet the bed.
I don’t suck my thumb.
I don’t talk to imaginary friends.
Although I can’t vouch for the first 2 childish habits, the woman in the HSA advert below seems not to have grown out of talking to imaginary friends:
Don’t be too quick to judge her though.
Because, as we all know, women are all feeble minded, delicate flowers, who are unable to comprehend - let alone cope with - the complexities of family economics and the hard realities that may result. So it’s perfectly understandable that she’s started taking financial advice from the sleeve on her jumper.
You see sometimes when a woman is struggling to balance the fact that her family has a fancy new car with built in DVD player (God forbid they have to actually talk to the kids on a journey!) and that her kids have iPods (iPods, I tell you!) with the fact that she needs to spend 100 quid on a new pair of glasses her brain turns from jelly (it’s resting state) to jam (and may even begin to trickle from her ear).
These are the times when a woman needs the reassurance, guidance and support of her imaginary friend/sleeve of her jumper.
I can’t help but feel the imaginary friend/sleeve of her jumper should really be saying “You should have gone to Specsavers” and “NHS dentists are really very reasonably priced” (although I grant you it’s easier to get on the Sex Offenders Register than it is the books of an NHS dentist) and “Just get some Ibuleve and make him kip on the floor” rather than “Take out private health insurance”.
But that is often the trouble with listening to items of knitwear when it comes to fiscal matters - always the expensive option. That’s what happened to me when I asked my bobble hat what I should have to drink with my Happy Meal last weekend. It’s just lucky that McDonald’s don’t sell Cristal, is all I’m saying.
Anyway, what I mean to say is “Women - stop listening to your jumpers”.
Well, that’s another month over with and what a month it’s been for TWA. 
(4.7)
