You know what it’s like – you’ve had a hard day writing, directing and starring in your latest high-minded, holier-than-thou tirade against a social injustice – or Ocean’s 14, to give it its proper title – and you’re really, really gagging for a Nespresso.

Well, as luck has it, you’re just round the corner of your local Nespresso shop. What are the chances?

Ahh, browsing rack after rack of your favourite Nespresso capsule blends is truly one of the last bastions of humanity, isn’t it?

Just one problem; the shop’s full of beautiful, yet sycophantic, women. Will these damned sauce-pots not just leave you alone to enjoy the art of the espresso?

That’s life though, I suppose!

Yes, this is Sir George Clooney starring in the latest Nescafe Nespresso advert – what else?

And seeing as George is the most intelligent, sophisticated and charming whore-bag working in Hollywod today it seems natural that Nespresso has saddled him up, mounted him and whipped his bare buttocks with the giant greenback riding crop in the hope that some of our George-lust will rub off on their coffee machines – although not literally, of course.

That’s a latte noone wants to drink. 

A great plan, I think you’ll agree, except for the the fact that Nespresso machines are as sophisticated as an evening of Lambrini fuelled jelly wrestling round at Kerry Katona’s house.

Or maybe slightly less cruelly, Nespresso machanies are the coffee equivalent of a box of wine. Yes, it looks like wine – except it’s coffee – and it tastes like wine – except it’s coffee – but the only people who would willingly have one on their kitchen worktop are aspirational chavs.

Anyways, I fancied a bit of chav coffee quaffing action, Cloonster style, so I popped down to my local Whittard Of Chelsea shop but all the windows were boarded up and instead of a hoard of extremely attractive women there was just a piss soaked tramp asleep in the doorway.

That’s life though, I suppose.

So here it is, the winner of the Worst Advert of 2008 vote – the DFS Nickleback advert:

As a testament to how much you hated this handful of advertising monkey crap that DFS threw at us in 2008, it received a massive amount of the vote: nearly twice as much as the Slim Fast advert in second place.

So many congratulations to DFS for their success and a big thanks to all those who voted.

Cheers, Silky.

There was an advert a few years ago for the fast food restaurant Wimpy. It went something like this:

“Wimpy is a fast food restaurant with a difference. We have tables and chairs, knives and forks and your food is brought to you on a plate by a waitress.”

Which, obviously, sounds “Wow” but is, in fact, just like every other non-fast-food restaurant in the country, then.

But with worse food.

Which brings me to the latest Pringles advert in which a bunch of failed actors doing a very bad job of pretending to be “real” people try the brand new Pringles Select crisps:

My favourite bit is when the reject from the cast of Coupling says:

“Wow! Crisps? In a bag? How the fuck did you think of that?”

Magic.

Yeah, Pringles have taken the one thing that helped make their crisps stand out, their tube, and thrown it in the bin.

This is possibly because Pringles think that posh people – after all, this is the posh Pringle aimed at posh people who shop at posh John Lewis – are simply too posh to “pop” the lid on the chavy old tube – although I’m fairly certain that their butlers’ aren’t too posh.

So, despite what Pringles have been telling us for all these years, it seems you can “stop popping” after all.

Thanks to Gordon for submitting this bad ad.

There are some advertisers, I’m looking at you Omega, who seem to believe that their products are something of a landmark in the evolution of the human race. Rather than, say, just an over-priced piece of jewellery.

Philips – come on, you’ve heard of Philips, the ones who make clock radios, hair dryers and, to my surprise, sex toys – have now joined those ranks. 

In their latest advert a portentous, voice over man proclaims:

“Conquered the skies. Conquered Mount Everest. Conquered the Neck.”

Conquered.

The.

Neck.

For the love of God, man, pull yourself together!

From the way Philips are going on about their new electric razor, you’d think they’ve found a cure for AIDS.

It’s just breath takingly pompous.

This ad, of course, is all about brand positioning – or some other nonsense phrase – in which Philips want us to believe that buying one of their new Arcitec razors – terrible, terrible name, by the way Philips – we’ll become the, mind bogglingly bizarre, love-child of Sir Edmund Hillary and the Wright Brothers rather than some overly anal metrosexual, who gives an wholy unnecessary toss about whether their necks are a little bit stubbly.

On the other hand “Conquered the neck” cracks me up every time I hear that idiot say it.

So in balance, good work Philips.

“God, I love being a priest. We’re all going to heaven lads, wheeeyyyyyy!”

No run-up to the festive season would be complete without being subjected to some of the most mind bendingly god-awful perfume and aftershave adverts that TV has to offer.

So, just in case you aren’t sick enough of them already, here’s TV’s Worst Adverts top 5 worst perfume ads of 2008:

5 – Davidoff Cool Water with Josh Holloway

“Ooh look, it’s that bloke off Lost in the sea without his shirt on. I wonder if my muscles would be that big if I wore Davidoff Cool Water?”

Guff.

4 – Davidoff Adventure with Ewan McGregor

This one’s filed under “Biggest Sell Out of 2008″. Shame on you for this guff, Ewan.

3 – Davidoff Cool Water Women with Evangeline Lilly

“Ooh look! It’s that bird off Lost! In a swimsuit!”

Rounding off the Davidoff Holy Trinity of Guff is the Cool Water Woman advert in which quite literally NOTHING happens. What. So. Ever.

Taking lazy to a whole new level.

2 – Gucci by Gucci – David Lynch

To a sound track of Blondie, this hypnotic blur of light, colour and grown women stroking giant bottles of perfume is directed by Hollywood’s Nut Job in Chief David Lynch.

This advert cold just as easily be for permanent marker pens – which you wouldn’t put past Lynch.

1 – Chanel No 5 with Nicole Kidman

Despite the fact that Nicole and I will one day be married, her performance in this Chanel advert – that reportedly cost $102 million to make, by the way – is something we’re going to have to have a serious talk about.

As she appears in the dinner jacket and hams her way through the lines: “I’m a dancer. I love to dance!” makes me cringe so hard my boys go back inside the barracks.

An advert that’s as bad as it is long.

Any Other Business?

So that’s the TWA Top 5, if you’ve got any additons feel free to leave them in the comments below.

“Do you remember when you said you’d never buy a Renault?”

No, me neither.

In fact I don’t know anyone who’s ever said that.

What a load of toss.

Thanks to Bryn for submitting this bad ad.

Yes, it’s that time of year when every second rate, written by idiots, advertising publication runs it’s “Worst Advert of 2008″ poll.

This year TWA is offering you 10 fine choices for worst advert of 2008 from the TV’s Worst Adverts hilarious archive.

But rather than a panel of luminaries from the World of Advertising picking the top 10 for you to vote on, I showed the adverts to my dog and used the howl-ometer to get the finalists. I guessed it was probably just the same.

Anyways, here’s what he’s picked for you:

• Slim Fast – Fruity Tootie
• Davidoff – Adventure with Ewan McGregor
• Ford Focus – Beautifully Arranged
• L’Oreal – Pierce Brosnan
• HSA – Hey Just Say
• Garnier Nutrisse – Davina McCall
• Acorn Stairlifts
• Coors Light – Hear Me Now!
• DFS – Nickleback Rockstar
• Kelloggs – Dame Kelly Holmes

Just in case the full horror of the adverts haven’t been forever burnt onto your retinas I’ve very kindly linked to their TWA entry.

So you’ve no excuse not to vote now, have you?

Voting will close, rather arbitrarily, at Midnight on December 27th and I’ll let you have the result before the New Year.

So, get voting!

Here’s the latest Talk To Frank advert that – just like the drug it’s warning the youth of today about – has got the media buzzing their nuts off:

Yes, everyone in the media is talking about this advert – at least, they were on The Wright Stuff yesterday. Amazingly, Matthew Wright criticized the advert for being “condescending” – which is a bit like TV’s Worst Adverts critisizing the advert for “not being funny”.

Anyway, one thing that’s got the average Daily Mail reader vomiting blood into their cereals is the fact that this advert took 1 million of our hard earned, tax payers pounds to make. What’s more it’s aimed a 15 to 18 year olds, who had their good-for-nothing parents given them more jolly good thrashings when they were young wouldn’t be doing drugs in the fist place!

It’s a bloody outrage!

But it seems like a pretty good investment, after all, it can’t be cheap to teach a dog to talk and surely he can be used for other things… what’s that?

It’s not a real talking dog?

Oh, well don’t I feel rather foolish now? I wonder how much of the million they wasted before they realised the dog just wasn’t going to speak? I wonder if it was more or less than they paid David Mitchell?

Although I think the ad depicts the darker side of the cocaine trade in a pretty engaging way I’m not – and this will come as a massive shock to some of you – a 15 to 18 year potential coke user.

So what do you think?

Do you think that this advert will put you off ever trying coke or was it a massive waste of tax payers cash that does nothing patronise, you poor ickle sweetie pies?

Will this advert make you think twice about trying coke even though you were poised with a rolled up tenner half way up your nostril when it came on the tele or will it make you want to slice a dog in two just to see if you can get it in to a club?

Tell me, young folk!

TELL ME!

(In the comments below).

Here’s another TWA special from the very generous Simon Breadbin. Enjoy!

‘Where’s Sarah? She should be here by now.’

‘Sorry I’m late, I was just designing this t-shirt.’

‘Ooh, yeah! Nice.’

Just what the fuck was Sarah thinking? Her FRIENDS are WAITING for her and she’s poncing about designing a fucking T-SHIRT?!

They’re all LATE now.

Except of course they aren’t, are they? Because this ‘Animal Crossing’, the nauseatingly cutesy game aimed at day-care centres and the mentally subnormal.

If there really existed such a world made of sugar, then there must be an alternate dimension made wholly from puke, and I know where I’d rather be.

Are we to believe that these are the same ‘advert women’ who routinely humiliate their buffoon husbands with their mastery of just about fucking everything, reduced to simpering at each other online and planning a virtual shopping trip?

I hate this advert as it reminds me that one of the last bastions of male immaturity has been hijacked, distorted beyond all recognition, and then sold back to us with a pink fucking ribbon on it.

The game featured in this advert reminds me of a fluffy version of the  Ludocvico Technique. It seems Nintendo are trying to condition our minds into believing the world is nothing but Autumnal days sat in the forrest or being wrapped in a blanket with a mug of hot tea.

It’s a world that mirrors our very own. You eat an apple, it eats an apple. You drink tea, it drinks tea.

But, before you know it, you’re mirroring their world.

They have their hair cut, you have you hair cut. They sleep with the lead games designer of Animal Crossing, you sleep with the lead games designer of Animal Crossing. They send their life savings to Satoru Iwata, you… well, you get the drift.  

And worst of all, it’s a world in which your pathetic attempts at fashion design – attempts that, let’s be honest, would embarrass a retarded child had they made them – become master pieces for you to show off to your simpering, slack jawed, idiotic friends.

Nintendos vision of the future scares the Warios out of me and it should do you too – or you might end up like Sarah and her friends.

“Oh, yeah! Nice.”

*Shivers down my spine*.

Thanks again to Simon Breadbin for submitting this bad ad.