As the Tesco war machine marches on Argos, spear-heading the attack is Martine “Does my bum look big in this. Yes because it’s huge” McCutcheon. Oh, and that bloke from Spooks.

Martine spent many years in Eastenders, playing Judy to Ross Kemp‘s Punch. And thankfully, she didn’t waste her time in the company of the master. She spent those days polishing her acting skills until she got a shine on them much like you get on the proverbial turd. Only slightly duller.

Where as Kemp’s acting is cardboard cutout, McCutcheon’s is full on wooden.

When faced with a particularly challenging scene, she draws inspiration from an alter-ego she has created called Marine McButtcheek – a failed actress and singer on the slag-heap of life. This inspiration nearly always manifests itself as a huge wooden arse on legs, topped off with a pearly white rictus smile. The desire never to become Marine produces some of Martine’s finest work.

And so it is in the latest advert for Tesco Direct.

From the way she staggers through her “Very Romantic” line like Stephen Hawking with a flat battery, I can only presume that the joined up writing on her cue cards was a. bit. too. hard. to. read.

Shame on you, Martine. Shame. If Kemp were alive today, he’d be rolling in his grave.

To be fair to her, maybe she’s struggling with nerves because she’s in the company of a horrific letch (who’s quite clearly set up the date with the sole intent to sexually assault poor, bumper-butted Martine).

But what amazes me most though, is that Tesco has enough money to corrupt some of the greats in the British entertainment game (Sir Terry Wogan, Lord Ronnie Corbett and, er, Jimmy Nesbitt) so why didn’t they try and get someone who can at least read half-a-dozen lines of script?

Surely Patsy Palmer would have been available?

Judge for yourself.

While I’m on the theme of car insurance…. GoCompare.com.

My problems with this ad is pretty straight forward. It’s the bloody tag line:

“Why GoCompare anywhere else?” the tiny man in the computer asks us.

Why go compare anywhere else? Oh, the humanity!

OK, I get it, you’re playing on our knowledge of patronising American phrases such as “Go figure” and “Do the math”. But, if the truth be told, if anyone ever directs on of these phrase at me, I tend to to come back with another Americanism: “Go fuck yourself”.

Reactionary, yes, but completely justified, I think you’ll agree.

This faux valley-girl ghetto speak that’s seeping into our culture thanks to our lust for celebrity (and those celebrities on the whole being as thick as two short Paris Hiltons) drives me potty. Potty, I tell you.

OK, I’m not completely innocent. Yes, I say “OK” like, huh, a million times a day, girlfriend, but other than that I don’t use too many half-witted Americanisms (and if you disagree you can so talk to the hand… etc).

So here’s my advice GoCompare, when you’ve got a company with a name that makes no sense in English don’t then shoe-horn it into a painful tag line. Let’s just all agree you made a mistake naming your company “GoCompare” and move on. Don’t keep digging.

Of course, it could be worse they could have included a ridiculous claim in the advert too like they’ve invented a unique way to rate insurance policies (“So 5-stars is good, you say?”).

So in summary: Oh my God, Whatever, Etc.

I hate my car insurance company.

They charge me through the nose for something I have not choice but to buy. Bastards.

Plus, when I come to renew my policy, despite having made no claims, they offer me a price that is higher than if I were to take out a new policy with them over the Web. Shits.

Then they can never understand a word I say when I ring them up. “What’s my policy number? It’s B-986…. no, no, B for Bravo. For BRAVO. Dash, no, no, DASH!”. Idiots.

And they give me free break down cover too. Except when I broke down, guess what, the free cover didn’t cover my break down. So I had to pay for it, through the nose again. Shits.

But as much as I hate my insurers I have never launched into a 4-letter-word tirade of such ferocity as the women in the new Esure advert. Blimey, she really let’s rip, doesn’t she?

What amazes me though is that her expression doesn’t change at all. Whenever I do have moments or rage-overload my whole face turns bright red, my arms fling out in all directions, and I dance around like a monkey in the final stages of syphilis madness. But she remains as calm as a Hindu cow.

Of course, this could be explained by the fact she’s just seen Michael Winner looking like he’s talking from beyond the grave. I suppose that would account for her swearing fit too. “Previously when I was with… Jesus & Mary-Mother of God! I’ve just seen a mother-fucking ghost…” etc.

Now, if ever there were an opportunity for Michael to get in a sly “Calm down, Dear!” that foul-mouthed onslaught was it. But I don’t think he could be bothered. Winner certainly doesn’t look like he’s got much time left in the World if, in fact, he isn’t already actually dead. What’s for certain is he’s essentially turned into the Mr Burns of TV adverts; with his frail body and gaunt expression it’s all he can do to lift his arm to give a thumbs-up.

“I’m meeting real Esure customers. Exxcellleeent.”

Regardless of whether he has a contract to fulfil, I can’t believe that he is doing the Esure brand any good continuing to appear in these adverts.

So come on Michael, do the decent thing; spend your last few minutes of life enjoying yourself and not scaring the bejesus out of middle-aged women.

Judge for yourself.

Update

I have an admission to make, just as the shock of seeing Michael Winner sent that women in to a swear-a-thon it must have made me temporarily deaf. One a second viewing I managed to hear him say “Calm down, Dear!”.

Apologies for any distress my temporary deafness caused you or your families.

I’m a big fan of France.

I grew up very close to it, you know.

I like France thanks to (my perception of) their attitude to life, work, and art. I love French music, and I love French sport.

Oh and who could forget the delightful Marie-France from Longman’s Audio Visual French?
Oh and who could forget the delightful Marie-France from Longman’s Audio Visual French?

But most of all I like France because my family went on holiday there just about every year when I was a kid.

So whenever I hear a French voice on the TV I’m transported back to those sun-drench two weeks of my childhood on the Riviera, with the smell of pine trees in my nostrils and the sound of 10,000 crickets in my ears.

Heaven.

(Obviously for the purpose of glorifying France in this post I’m ignoring the 13 hour car journey to get there, the 2 weeks as a target practice for French mosquitoes and the foul stench of the bins on the camp site.)

That’s why “>the advert for the new Renault Laguna caught my ear. The man doing the voice-over has a deep, rich, sophisticated drawl that only a Frenchman can possess. In fact his gravelly, 60 Marlborough-and-cognacs-a-day voice sounds like that of Jean Reno.

In fact, is it Jean Reno?

Do you think Renault have asked Jean Reno to do the voice over for their new Laguna advert because his surname sounds like Renault?

To be fair they probably thought he’s a high-profile Hollywood B-list’er whose got the image they want us to associate with the new car and it just so happens that his name rhymes with Renault.

(Note: I’ve done some searching but I can’t find if it is actually Jean Reno or just a sound-a-like.)

Either way my favourite part of the advert is when he (whoever he might be) tells us of the past 6 years’ efforts at Renault to make the new Laguna all things to all men just as Otis Redding sings the “…wasting my time” line from Sittin’ on the Dock of the Bay.

After all the thought and effort that has clearly gone into make this advert they match those 2 lines together. Tsk!

Oh well, I’ve got some reminiscing about hot sand between my toes and wandering watch salesmen to get back to.

Au revoir, mes amis!

Judge for yourself.