So another month flies by in a blur of terrible adverts. Too many for me to write about here to be honest.

I’ll try harder next month.

October has been quite a big month for advertisers being slapped on the wrists. Picture Loans were told to never darken our TV sets with their Dad’s Found Your Scooter advert because it made taking out a £25 grand loan seem a little too much like taking a tenner out of a cash machine.

Where have I read that before?

To be fair, every sane person in the country thought that thought, so I can take no credit at all (no pun intended).

And Dettol had their advert banned for, in essence, claiming that it was more hygenic preparing food on the toilet seat than on a chopping board. Depends on who’s used the toilet before you I suppose.

Also as I’m sure all you loyal TWA readers are aware this month saw a new look for TWA and I’m really pleased with the result. A big thanks for all the positive feedback.

So to business. Here’s the top 5 for this month:

1. Glade - Flameless Candle et al.
2. Picture Loans - Dad’s Found Your Scooter
3. Halifax
4. Head & Soulders - Everyone Knows a Bloke Like Mickey
5. Dulco Ease

So congratulations Glade on their oh so dull adverts and even duller products.

Trick or Treat?

Finally, as a treat (because you’re worth it, after all) on Halloween, here’s a clip from Charlie Brookers Screen Wipe counting down his Ten Biggest Cocks and She-cocks in Advertising.

If I’m honest, I’ve been in 2 minds about adding this because letting you watch Brooker discus adverts on this site will be a little like displaying a Monet next to one of your shit-sketches.

The shit-sketch is never going to come off well in comparison.

Ho-hum, here it is. I hope you enjoy:

Working in the Research and Development department for Glade could be one of the best jobs on Earth.

All they do all day long is think up new and exciting ways to combine a household object and a smell.

And yet they turn out such dreadfully mundane products.

So far they’ve produced the Glade Plugin combining a plug and a smell.

The Glade Scented Oils combining a candle and a smell (I know what you’re thinking scented candles are nothing new but scented oils are so much better because when the oils are gone the candle goes out! Unlike a normal candle which when the wax is gone just keeps on burning.)

And most recently the Glade Flameless Candle combining a light bulb and a smell.

OK, so not so new. And definitely not so exciting.

But the smells. The smells. Now they are exciting.

How do I know this? From their names, of course.

You can get the new Flameless Candle in:

• Clean Linen (TM)
• Rainshower (R)
• Suddenly Spring (TM)

Is there any greater delight in life then waking up between clean linen sheets during a rainshower, inhaling deeply and realising that it’s suddenly spring?

Alright, maybe the smells aren’t very exciting either.

Think you can do any better? OK, so let’s throw this open to the general public. Please leave your suggestions for a new “household object and smell combo” in the comments below.

I’ll get the ball rolling with “a TV remote that smells of Elle McPherson’s dirty pants.” Combining 2 of mens’ passions and this would undoubtedly be very popular in Japan.

Judge for yourself.

Some people are lucky enough to be blessed with good looks, personality and a pleasant body smell. Others aren’t. It was these unfortunates and the loneliness of their existences that inspired Paul McCartney to lament in the Beatles’ classic Eleanor Rigby:

“All the lonely people
Where do they all belong?”

Well, Paul, now we know where they all belong.

Why, it’s at Parship.co.uk, of course!

Yes, what ugly people, shy people and people with unfortunate odours all need is online dating!

But online dating is nothing new, even Sarah Beeny of Property Ladder fame has her own dating website (and book (great merchandising Sarah)) so to get your user based you’ve got to offer something different.

Parships unique selling point (which after a quick search of t’internet didn’t seem that unique) is their compatibility test.

But who wants to do a compatibility test before going on a date? To quote the mother of a great man:

“Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re going to get”.

This sentiment surely applies nowhere more than in dating. It’s one of the things that makes relationships so wonderful; you never know how things are going to work out.

Except, I hear you guffaw, you do know what you’re going to get in a box of chocolates these days, because they have those little cards in them telling you what’s what.

And Parships are trying to be the online version of this little chocolate information card.

It seems Parship.co.uk want to take all the joy out of meeting new people.

Except, I hear you cry, it doesn’t take out all the joy because people a big fat stinking liars.

When creating online profiles no-one (and I mean no-one) tells the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth:

“It says on your profile that you work in advertising and you enjoy physical activity”
“Erm yes, I put up those posters on billboards and I regularly visit an S&M dungeon.”
“Right.”

Here’s their very lovely (if not staggeringly un-subtle in it’s targeting of women) advert:

God, if that doesn’t make you want to go and sign up to Parship right now to find your perfect partner even before you’ve met them and miss out on some of the wonder and mystery of life, I don’t know what will.

Judge for yourself (in English!).

So, you want to highlight the speed of your new processor chip. How are you going to do it?

Let’s get the chips to do Speedway. No, too far fetched.

Let’s get the chips to do Speedballing. No, doing drugs is too negative a message.

Let’s get the chips to go Speed Dating. Ha! That’s even more far fetched than doing Speedway.

Oh, that’s the one you’ve picked.

Did you think that speed dating has appeal to your target audience? You did, didn’t you? I’m afraid you were wrong.

Did you think it would make them buy your chips? You did, didn’t you? I’m afraid you were wrong.

Did you think it would make them say “What the monkey are computer chips doing speed dating?”? You didn’t, did you?

I’m afraid you were foolish.

Judge for yourself.

So, as I mentioned a few weeks ago I’ve been working on a new theme for TVs Worst Adverts and here it is.

I wanted something a little cleaner and bit more focused on the content, so I hope I’ve achieved that.

If you’ve got any comments or if you notice any problems with the new theme, please drop me a line below.

Cheers, Silky.

A deadline is looming in the offices of the Cobblers & Shitbiscuit Advertising Agency to come up with a pitch for the new Birdseye ad campaign:

“Right so chaps, we’ve got the tag line “Good Mood Food” for these Birdseye fish fingers with omega 3. Time’s getting on so does any one have any ideas?”

“Well, fish fingers with omega 3 are good wholesome that all the family can enjoy, right? So let’s start by thinking of a song that evokes that.”

“Our House by Madness!”

“Brilliant! In fact, why don’t we get Suggs to be in the advert. He’s a family man and everyone loved him in the ska-pop band Madness and karaoke television programme Night Fever.”

“Obviously it’s going to be set at the dinner table - a family eating fish fingers with omega 3 for dinner.”

“And I’m thinking that as omega 3 is good for your brain we can get Suggs to ask the daughter quiz questions over dinner.”

“Oh, I am loving this!”

“Whoa there, Tonto! How will we explain why he’s at this family’s dinner table asking a teenage girl Science and Nature questions?”

“We wont have to. It’s Suggs, he’s so great, no-one will care why he’s there!”

“Hmm, OK. But should we at least check he can pronounce ‘photosynthesis’ before we book him?”

“Tsk! Who can’t say ‘photosympetics’? Book him. Book him now.”

And another advertising travesty is born:

Thanks to Phil for submitting this bad ad.

Now, if you’re anything like me there’s nothing you fear more than your server overheating.

My home would come to a complete standstill if my server got even so much as a degree too hot.

God, the tele wouldn’t work. The lights wouldn’t work. The gas wouldn’t work which, ironically, means the heating wouldn’t work.

It would be total chaos!

What’s that?

You don’t have a server running everything in your house?

Oh, no. Neither do I, come to think of it…

So it seems a little bit strange that IBM have paid for advertisement slots for their latest advert (which is by no means the worst one on TV) in the middle of Deal or No Deal. Or Selling Houses. Or Hollyoaks.

How many computer nerds are actually going to see that in the middle of those “during work hours” programmes?

Then again, IBM advertising on TV has always seemed a little odd to me.

They really seem to target a very small TV viewing niche market. It’s not as if they’re flogging PCs for £399 like PC World. They’re trying to shift high-end IT network infrastructure while the Pilgrims take a break from the Dream Factory (FYI: that’s Deal or No Deal for those who haven’t seen the return of the most pompous man on tele).

Surely that kind of marketing is even less efficient then the Sun Fire X2100 M2 Server? Tsk!

Thanks to bhell13 for submitting this bad ad.

Ah School. Wasn’t it great?

All that learning, school dinners, rugby on a winter’s day, everyone wanking on a digestive then making the new boy eat it.

Magical times, I think you’ll agree.

Of all my many cherished school day memories the one thing I don’t recall though are highly motivated teachers. They may well have started off their careers thinking “Yeah, I’m going to shape the minds of future generations” but by 20 past 9 on their first day, that do-good attitude was out the window.

Along with their briefcase and car keys. Oh and Baines the swot. And the waste paper bin with the burning bag of dog shit in it.

But these memories aren’t unique to me. This kind of behaviour continues to happen in schools up and down the land.

Why? You might ask. Because children are bastards, especially when they’re in packs.

So teachers have to devise a strategy to get them through until 3:25pm. At my school the teachers dealt with our bad behaviour by playing the “detention” card.

If you put a foot wrong (or even just accidentally hit the Headmaster with a wayward round from your air-rifle during geography) you would be sent to detention.

By the time half-term came round, teachers nerves were frayed worse than an ageing hippy’s favourite poncho and even asking the simplest of questions could land you in detention. Here are a few common scenes:

“Sir, what is dark matter?”
“Detention!”

“Sir, why doesn’t water run down the plughole the other way?”
“Detention!”

“Sir, what’s the difference between dust and fluff?”
“You can ask me anything and that’s your question?”
“Yes.”
“Honestly?”
“Yes.”
“Detention!”

So when advertising teaching positions, unless you are planning on staffing your schools with either sadist or masochists, you have to, not so much lie, as massively deceive your potential applicants.

Hence the governments “Work with the most inventive people in the world” and “Work with the world’s most enquiring minds” and “Work with some of the funniest people in the world” advertising campaign.

Obviously after watching the adverts these should be “Work with some of the most ridiculous people in the world” (a solar powered killing sheep?) and “Work with some of the people who don’t listen in class because they’re too busy showing their mate a happy-slapping video they recorded on the way to school then ask really basic questions” (How do we make sweets?) and “Work with some of the mentalist people in the world” (as laughing manically doesn’t mean you’re funny it means you’re simple in the brain).

It think it would be more honest if the teacher adverts were more like the current British Army adverts:

“We’ve been holed-up in the staff room for two weeks now. We’re down to half a cup of coffee and one Werthers a day. But we’ve got a plan. Find out how this film ends at BritishTeachers.com”.

Or maybe:

“I’m Mr Jenkins, head of history. I’ve been patrolling this playground for 5 years. I’ve got 2 other history teachers under my command. I’m responsible for everything they… Mr Williams! Don’t kick that ball! Find out how this film ends at BritishTeachers.com”.

Now that would surely be a far more accurate picture of teaching?

Thanks to Anton for submitting this bad ad.

I love Ann Widdecombe.

Not in a sexual way, of course. Well, not since the therapy at least.

No I love her because she’s not afraid to speak her mind. She’s got conviction in her beliefs and, although I might not always agree with the things she says, I admire her for that. Please note that this is in stark contrast to my stance on Jeremy Clarkson, who also speaks his mind, but I believe is simply a wanker.

But what is Ann doing in this terrible advert for Giovanni Rana fresh pasta?

The concept of which - “Citizens for Fresh Pasta Justice” - is a) ridiculous as fresh pasta is readily available in the shops and b) deeply offensive to, for instance, “Fathers for Justice” and all similar genuine campaigns that the advert is parodying.

If it’s supposed to be funny they missed the mark by a country mile.

On top of that, from now Ann words will forever be tainted by Giovanni Rana’s dirty cash.

(That is unless she donated her fee to a genuine campaign group. But then it would have surely have been better to have a disclaimer flash on the screen: “Ann donated her fee to charity. You can still admire her.”)

Shame.

Judge for yourself.

I happen to have in front of me a copy of the Sony Bravia’s school report. Yeah, I know, how lucky am I?

Anyways, here’s what it says:

“Sony Bravia started the term very strongly. He showed great imagination and we all hoped his promising start would continue.

As the term progressed we were amazed by his technical aplication of his abilities.

Sadly, of late he has started to get lazier. He has been caught copying other boys and his work seems ponderous and overly long for the sake of it.

Must try harder.”

Shame that.

Regardless of whether they did copy the idea for this advert and regardless of whether Juan Cabral from Fallon knows anything about music (as he revealed in the Independent on Monday) the new Sony Bravia advert with all those Play-Doh bunny rabbits just isn’t as good as the previous two efforts.

It doesn’t capture my attention in the way the Balls and Fireworks advert did.

And why, oh why is there that bit with the ice berg and the whale?

Plus Juan Cabral from Fallon knows nothing about music. “She’s a Rainbow” has a seventies feel? Are you mad, Cabral?

Tsk.