SEX!

Yeah, that got your attention, didn’t it?

To be fair to you, you were probably already thinking about sex. Because that’s all you ever think about, isn’t it?

The only reason you get out of bed in the morning is so you can get back in it later and have sex. As you ride the train to work you’re thinking about all the dirty sexy sex that your dirty boss is having with his sexy secretary (you know, the one you’d really like to have sex with). And it’s all you can do to stop yourself passing out as the train enters a tunnel and you flick to page 3 of the Daily Mail and gawp at a dirty sexy pose picture of Carol Vorderman.

God, we’re obsessed with sex. And none of us are getting enough.

That’s why sex sells.

We actually think buying a *sexy* product will get us a few more notches on the bedstead. So in our exceptionally liberal society just about everything you could think of has been sexed up.

M&S sexed up their food range by getting sexy Dirvla Kirwan to read out ingredients as if she works on a sex phone line (”What are you wearing? Just knickers, I hope?” “I’m not just wearing knickers. I’m wearing crisp, clean, finest cotton M&S knickers” etc…).

And now Alpen have tried the same.

The trouble for Alpen is that Alpen simply isn’t in the slightest bit sexy. In fact, watching a video of John McCririck picking then eating the scabs off the herpes sores around Bella Emberg’s anus would make you sexier then eating a bowl of Alpen ever would do.

What’s more, Alpen is officially only Switzerland’s 2nd sexiest export after Roger Federer and I think that says it all.

Judge for yourself.

Now, I think this entry in TVs Worst Adverts is going to be slightly contentious but…

Without wanting to sound more pompous than Noel Edmonds does on Deal or No Deal (”Welcome to the Dream Factory…”) I like to think that TVs Worst Adverts is a conduit for you, the general TV advert hating public to vent your spleen. That’s why I have the link to Submit a Bad Ad there.

And that’s the link Darren clicked. He then even went and filled out the form:

“It’s the new Cadbury Dairy Milk ad with the gorilla playing the drums along to a Phil Collins song.

What is the meaning of this?? Eating mass-produced middle-market chocolate is like being a giant ape? It just makes NO sense at all!!

The ad company and Cadbury marketing must be on fabulous drugs.”

Brett Archibald did the same as Darren:

“Your web site means nothing unless you have that stupid fucking totally pointless and annoying Cadbury\’s gorilla advert…

I mean, just what the fuck is the point??!!”

I may be reading between the lines a little here but what I’m getting from their comments is that they don’t understand the point of the advert and pretty much hate it.

So, if you haven’t seen it on TV (or every other blog about advertising) here’s the advert:

I’ve got my own opinion of the advert (seeing I spend all my time thinking about adverts now-a-days) but I’m going to let you jump into the “crazy chair” and let me know what you think the adverts about in the comments below.

In fact, I can sense you’re about to write something now. You are, aren’t you?

Don’t ask me how I knew, I could just feel it coming in the air so, go on, write it. WRITE IT!

I don’t have an iPod and I’m not obsessed by all things Apple.

That’s not supposed to sound like one of those ridiculous boasts that only really smug people say. You know the sort, you ask them if they watched last night’s Eastenders and they tell you that they “don’t even own a television” as if that makes them better than you, you uncouth guttersnipe wanker.

No, that was purely a statement of fact.

I don’t have an iPod because I just don’t need one. You see I listen to music on these old fashioned things called CD’s (no really, I do).

But even as a non-iPod owning, non-Apple obsessive I’m getting iPod fatigue from the astronomical rate at which they release new iPods (although I suspect some hard-core Apple fans will be in hog heaven).

It seems that Apple have decided to turn iPods into the Jimmy Carr of portable MP3 players and now every time I turn on the tv there’s one on the screen.

In fact Apple are so prolific at coming up with new iPods variations (and any electronic kit that starts with the letter “i”, to be fair) that in the time it’s taken me to type this Apple’s Chinese “iPod City” factory has started producing 50 new iPod designs. Just in time for the Christmas rush, no doubt.

Blimey, Apple! Let us catch our breath/earn enough money to buy your latest gadget and still afford to feed our kids before releasing something new, will you?

“Zoom Zoom”

That’s the sound of the Mazda 2 advert flying way over my head.

“Mazda 2. It’s Fit” claims the tag line at the end of their advert.

What the monkey does that mean?

I’m thinking that it may be a translation error from the original bollocks in which this marketing campaign was thought up. Do you mean “nippy”? Did the advert makers read it as “fit”?

Anyway, they came up with a ‘popular in parts of Europe’ competitive aerobics/cheap hard-core electro house video with strong homoerotic undercurrents to flog a super mini.

It’s left me confused, not just because of the homoerotic undercurrents, but by what exactly it is they’re trying to say about the car.

Here’s the advert (with a slightly modified tag line) for you to be confused by too. Enjoy.

Thanks to Kurre for bizarrely seeming to have submitted his own bad ad.

Remember Volvo?

If you’ve ever worn tweed, lived in the South-East or attended a gymkhana circa 1988, the chances are you do.

It was your car of choice in the 1980’s and for the start of the 1990’s. They were sensible, reliable, and above all safe. You could do the school run comforted by the knowledge that if one of the mums from the rough estate round by Safeways crashed her XR2i into you, she’d be the one taking her kids to A&E, not you.

What more could one, want?

But then something changed. It turned out you did want more. You want more seat-height and axle-clearance.

So the 4×4 replaced Volvo as the middle-classes APC of choice. A Chelsea Tractor? Why, it’s like driving a bloody tank.

“Yah, my Humvee actually took part in the invasion of Iraq. Still go the blood of a few rag-heads on the tyres, you know. Fnar, fnar.” claimed every self-satisfied sloan ranging racist across the land.

But advertisers decided that people buying 4×4 weren’t doing the school run, they decided that they were actually doing off-roading. So their ludicrous adverts feature their 4×4’s doing off-road activities (Searching for diamonds in Africa or changing in different creatures for example…). Oh and we bought it. We really believed that we were on some expedition to the North Pole and not just dropping the boys off at St Marks (CofE Primary) before going for a coffee (and a gossip) at Pippa’s.

And it seems we still must because in their latest advert for the all terrain XC-70, Volvo are trying to get back in on the act:

Fair play to Volvo though, I’ll be glad of that super traction control weekday morning’s because the down slopes of some of the sleeping policemen round where I live are bloody traitorous.

We’ve got a dog.

Sometimes we like to wind it up so much that he can’t sit still and runs round and round in circles. It makes us laugh.

And we say that he’s got a great personality but he hasn’t really. He’s just hyperactive. And we deliberately make him that way.

Also, if we’re watching something on the tele we like to ask our dog what his thoughts are about what he’s just seen.

“What did you think of that, Bernard?” We say.

But Bernard can’t speak. He can only make dog noises that, I’ll grant him, on the odd occasion could be mistaken for English. But that doesn’t make him suitable for a commentary role.

For these two reasons I wouldn’t ever give him a job on the tv.

Ian Wright is just like my dog.

People like to say that he has a great personality but he just seems to have ADD. When he’s on Match of the Day he can’t sit still in his chair. If he had a tail, he’d be chasing it round the studio.

Nor can he string two words together either.

“What did you think of that, Ian?” They say.

He only makes noises that, I’ll grant you, on the odd occasion could be mistaken for English. But that doesn’t make him suitable for a commentary role.

I’ve never understood why Ian Wright is allowed on the television.

As for Asda, do they not remember the whole Chicken Tonight fiasco?

The things that being a very, very good footballer will bring you, hey?

I love Simon Pegg.

Not in a sexual way, of course. Or do I? No. No I don’t.

No, I love Simon Pegg thanks to Spaced. I don’t think that I could ever get bored watching Mike dance in the night club, or the look on Brian’s face when Marsha, fag in hand, says “Hello Brian” in her sordid secret way. And these joys in my life as a couch potato are all thanks to Simon Pegg.

I suppose for the sake of slightly more factual correctness they’re all thanks to Simon Pegg and Jessica Stevenson and Edgar Wright. And I probably prefer Mike to Tim, like I’d prefer a goofy Han Solo to a cooler Luke Skywalker.

Anyway, what I’m trying to say is I’ve really liked Simon Pegg ever since Spaced. Phew… Got there in the end.

So I was pretty disappointed to see him selling himself on Ant & Dec’s Saturday Night Giveaway last night. Yes, yes, you have a new film to promote, but on Ant & Dec?

Oh, the shame.

I love Nicole Kidman. I’ve always loved her. In a sexual way.

In fact, my wife has agreed that I’m allowed to leave her for Nicole should the opportunity ever arise. (”Damn you Keith Urban!”)

So I was pretty disappointed when I saw her selling herself in the Nintendo DS advert:

Oh, the shame.

I have to hide behind the settee every time she’s says:

“52!?”

Of course, never having played the game before, I have no idea what “Your brain score is 52″ actually means either. It might as well say “Your brain score is Terry Christian” or “Your brain score is bungalow”. In fact, I think it would be better if Nicole had to say:

“Bungalow!?”

Now, that would be something to be ashamed of.

Oh dear God, she’s back.

Nadine “I used to be able to smile” Baggott.

And she’s still insisting that she’s a “Celebrity Beauty Editor” but she’s still not telling us what that is. Although if we watch the new advert closely, as David Frost used to tell us, the clues are there:

Yep, being a Celebrity Beauty Editor involves you doing really, really easy word search puzzles in Celebrity Beauty Magazines.

“Here you go Nadine, here’s this months magazines.” - says a real person intern as she hand Nadine the “puzzle books”.
“Is it in there? Is it in there?” - Nadine asks excitedly trying desperately to smile.
“Well, you’ll just have to find out won’t you, Silly Billy” - the real person intern tries to lovingly ruffle Nadine’s hair but it’s stiffer than Nadine’s acting.
“Pentapeptides… pentapeptides… ooh, got it! I love my job!”

Ever since her face stopped moving, Nadine’s not enjoyed doing anything else, bless her.

In the new Thompson Holidays advert, as we watch a cartoon plane fly the long way around a cartoon world the voice over tells us:

“3 nights in Ibiza. 5 nights in New York. 11 nights in Mexico. How long do you want to go for? With Thompson, you decide.”

Letting me pick how long I want to go on holiday for? That’s very fucking generous of them.

After all, it is my holiday.

Judge for yourself.

Sorry for the delay on this month’s TV’s Worst Advert Award, I’ve been on a 3 day retreat to pay tribute to the life and death of the Princess of Wales. And let me tell you, I had a whale of a time in Paris. Dossing at the Ritz then bazzing it up round the Peripherique. With a mournful heart though, of course.

Anyway, I’m back so on with the show.

Thanks again to those that submitted adverts this month. If I haven’t got round to writing them up yet, I promise I will do my best to get them published in the next few days.

As August marks the 6 month anniversary of this blog I thought that I’d give a bit of link love back to some kind soles that link to this here blog:

• If you’re looking for top-notch commentary on the latest pop culture events in the UK then look no further then Dave P’s Pop Buzz UK.
• Although if you do decide to look on step further, Wodge also writes an excellent pop culture blog at Why Did I Go Wrong…?.

Right, here’s the top 5 for August:

1. Head and Shoulders - Everyone Knows a Bloke Like Mickey
2. Orange - Gigs and Tours
3. Dulco Ease
4. Vauxhall - Eco Flex
5. Picture Loans - Dad’s Found Your Scooter

Good to see that obnoxious, smug prick Mickey straight in at the top of the chart. Congratulations to Head and Shoulders for their win this month.

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