It’s been another busy month here at TV’s Worst Adverts and I’d like to say a big “Thank You” to all you who have contributed by submitting your bad ads. But especially:

• Lee
• Wodge
• Mike

To everyone else that submitted: I’ll try and be a bit more prolific in the future and post the ads that you hate so much. Promise.

TVs Worst Adverts was also named in the top 10 most read advertising blogs in the UK over at Scamp, just scraping in at 10th place. I know that it’s based on Alexa ratings and when I look at my stats not every visitor stays for a whole second but I think I’m justified in saying “In your face” to whoever was in 11th place.

Finally on the shameless self-promotion trail, TVs Worst Adverts featured at Blog Interviewer this month. Feel free to go and read a little about the enigma behind this blog-based, terrible TV advert bashing, internet phenomena that is me. You know you want to.

And the Winner Is

So, on to the real business. Here’s this months figures:

1. Ocean Finance - Long Grass - 4.81 out of 5
2. H&M - 4.8 out of 5
3. Dulco Ease - 4.71 out of 5
4. Picture Loan - Dad’s Found Your Scooter - 4.69 out of 5
5. IAMS Cat Food - 4.67 out of 5
6. Halifax - 4.57 out of 5
7. Glade - Touch and Fresh It’s All Gone - 4.56 out of 5
8. OLAY - Nadine Baggott Celebrity Beauty Editor - 4.5 out of 5
9. Trident - Parachute Jump - 4.5 out of 5
10. Trident - 4.44 out of 5

So congratulations to Ocean Finance for making such a God awful television advert. So terrible in fact that literally 21 people have voted for it as rubbish.

Now if that’s not democracy in action, what is…

More Shameless Self Promotion

• Join the TVs Worst Adverts MyBlogLog community.
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If there’s one thing that’s guaranteed to get me to buy something it’s the threat of physical violence.

I’m sure that you, like me, only have a Stannah Stair Lift in your house because of that advert with Thora Hird in where she threatened to break your knee caps if you didn’t buy one.

And I’ve just had new windows put in my house as well because a bloke from Pilkington came round and threatened to throw a brick through each of my old windows unless I bought their top-of-the-range toughened glass windows. It seemed sensible to go through with it as I figured one way or another I’d be needing the windows replacing. Plus at least the fella from Everest efforts to smash up my windows with a baseball bat will be pointless after I didn’t buy from him.

So when I saw Vinnie Jones in the new menacing, dark and unashamedly threatening RAC advert I did the only sensible thing; I went and signed up with the RAC as quick as possible. Even though I’m already a member I thought it wasn’t worth the risk of Vinnie looking like he’s going to shoot me in the face.

Here’s a little konw fact about Vinnie though: it turns out he’s not just a mindless thug. He’s sensible enough to carry the details of his insurance policy with the RAC in his glove box just in case he drives into someone when they’re reversing. And he also keeps a pack of sweets handy to suck on, if he does get delayed after he’s banged a bloke up the rear end in an underground car park.

He even has a favourite colour, as he tells us in his best retarded-child impression (RAC vans are orange, do you see?). Bless.

Judge for yourself.

I can say 3 words in a Geordie accent:

• Cake
• Photocopier
• Conjunctivitis

Genuinely that’s it. But that’s still makes me better at Geordie accents than the women from the Picture Loans advert:

She should have her Equity card taken off her, torn into a thousand pieces and thrown into the Tyne. Disgraceful.

Anyways, I’ve mentioned before that I think adverts for loans companies are like the psychics of the money world. Extorting money from the most vulnerable and needy.

This Picture Loans ad is slightly different though, it has a slightly different tone. They’re trying to make out that ringing up to arrange a loan is no bigger a deal than chatting to a close friend.

“I’m on the phone to Picture!” - the women snaps when her idiot husband dares to ask her a question.

“Sorry” - he mouths as if she’s talking to the Queen and it turns out the Queen is her mum.

“Don’t worry, it’s always like this here… Yeah, my fucking husband is always talking to me, the cunt” - You may not have noticed but I’ve subtly added in words what was previously only implied to that last sentence.

But it is this tone, that arranging a loan is such an off the cuff thing, no big deal, like calling a mate that makes this advert so completely unscrupulous.

If, like the woman in the add, you borrow £25,000 (”25″ she mouths to her husband as if they haven’t really spoken about this before because why would they) from Picture and pay it back over 180 months it will cost you nearly £45,000. Plus, it’s secured against your house, if you default on your loan, you lose your house.

And no matter how friendly Picture might want to portray themselves, if you don’t pay your loan back, they will fuck you royally:

“Josh, how many more times? Dad’s taken your scoota and all your other toys down to Cash Converters to pay back the £45 grand we owe Picture.”

Getting a loan of of £25,000 is an absolutely massive deal; not something you casually do in between Cash in the Attic and Doctors. Maybe if we all lived within our means a bit more we wouldn’t have to consolidate in the first place. But then what would be on the TV in between the programmes?

Ah, fuck it, do what you want.

I’m off to eat some cake then photocopy my conjunctivitis.

This Bad Ad was submitted by Mike Empuria. Cheers, Mike.

Update

Well it looks like TWA aren’t the only ones who think this advert makes taking a loan seem too light-hearted an affair. The Advertising Standards Authority has banned this from being shown again on TV (thanks for the link, Dave).

Of course, you can still watch it hear on TVs Worst Adverts (until it’s taken off YouTube that is…).

Retro is the current Zeitgeist in the AA advertising department. Don’t believe me? Let’s look at the evidence.

In one of their insurance adverts they references the classic line:

“He’s a nice man. He’s a very nice man. He’s a very, very nice man.”

Despite the painful depiction of the 2 ageing hippies, the AA have scored good bonus points with me for the reference.

For their breakdown service, however the AA have looked to other classic adverts for inspiration:

Whenever I see this advert onto the TV, I can’t help but picture myself on a hill top out side Rome with the New Seekers playing in my ears:

“I’d like to teach the World to sing… in perfect harmony…”

Yes, the whole concept of the latest AA advert - a giant chorus of people, all singing an uplifting song - couldn’t be much more of a rip off of the Coke advert.

Except I don’t think the AA have quite done it right. “You’ve Got a Friend” is a toe-curling, catcall of a song. It doesn’t fill me with joy and wonder like the Coke advert did. I’m hoping that it dies a sudden death like the “The 4th Emergency Service” tag line did.

Then there’s the people singing it - AA Breakdown men. I’m guessing that AA Breakdown men are pretty high on the list of “people you’d never really be friends with” (top of that list are “losers who write blogs about TV adverts” obviously).

Finally, when a *friend* charges you up to £180 to be a *friend*, I don’t think you can strictly call them a *friend*. It’s not as if you can call them up whenever you do need a friend:

“Hello, AA? Yeah, I’m having a hard time at work at the moment and I think my girlfriend is cheating on me. I don’t suppose you fancy a pint and a chat, do you?”

“Er, has your car broken down?”

“No.”

“Well call back when it does. Until then you’re on your own.”

So maybe they could rewrite the song a little to:

“Winter, Spring, Summer or Fall (those are the four Direct Debit periods),
All you’ve got to do is call (obviously only if your car has broken down),
and I’ll be there, yes I will (in up to an hour from the time you made your first phone call),
You’ve got a friend(ly breakdown service for which you pay handsomely).”

Maybe that’s the next advert…

Trident and their Mastication for the Nation TV adverts have been a thorn in my side for some time now.

Thanks to the voting system here at TVs Worst Adverts, I know that quite a few of you aren’t too keen on the adverts and after his recent post I think it’s fair to say that FishandChimps over at Chimp Media Monitoring isn’t a fan either:

“The latest ad has a pair of wankers jumping out of a plane and shouting some shit about the gum, I assume. There’s probably a shit-hot script in there somewhere but I’m not paying attention if its being shouted at me. It’s instant frontal-lobe switch off because twats jumping out of planes aren’t funny and aren’t original either.

In the last few years the following brands have advertised on the telly using the same parachuting scenario: Wrigleys (yes, another fucking gum but it had the virtue of being short), Toucan Telecom (who? they happened to saturate TV for a whole month back in 2005), Motorola, Cadbury Creme Eggs and Nissan. And that’s just in the last 5 years.”

I think the Mini Babybel advert can be added to that list aswell.

To Trident’s credit, however, they’re still pushing the terrible “Mastication for the Nation” tag line and yet in this advert it isn’t actually the worst part. Congratulations Trident!

Let the Becks Vier Beer advert be a lesson to us all.

I loved this advert. I thought it was quirky, original and everything fitted together in a very clever way - reinforcing the message: “Only Ever Four Steps”.

Just plain brilliant.

I loved it so much that if I weren’t tea-total, after seeing this advert the first time, I’d probably have rushed out and drunk myself into a four-step Becks coma. As it was, I had to do with buying a couple of crates Becks and soaking in a four-step bath of the stuff (not my preference, you see, but it had to do).

Then they change the song and ruin the advert.

Why? Why, for the love of all things with only ever four steps have you changed the song Becks, why? Why?

As a special treat though, dear Reader, here’s the original for us to enjoy one last, sweet time:

All together now:

“Can, can, can you do that dance…”

Update

What you’ve just read above is mostly a lie. What is definitely a lie is the bit where I say “the one with the “can you do the dance” song was the original”. It wasn’t, as Adam points out in the comments below.

I apologise for misleading you all, dear Readers, and I must confess that the Queen did not walk out of the photo session with Annie Leibowitz in a rage; she was in a rage before even a photo was taken.

But seriously, I don’t know how I missed this, I must have still been in the Priory at the time weaning myself of the grain. So, cheers Adam.

Sticking with the car theme, here’s the latest advert from Vauxhall for their Corsa:

Every time I see one of these adverts I think to myself: “God, I’m so not in the demographic they’re targeting here”. There’s a couple of reasons for this thought:

Firstly, whenever I hear Sean Paul singing, regardless of the words, all I hear is “Mr Lover, Lover. Hmmmm”. Yes, to me at least, Sean Paul is the current Shaggy. And that’s not a good thing, kids.

Secondly, the adverts feature a fictional *band* of puppets (NB: I don’t think the word ‘fictional’ was strictly necessary there but I added it for complete clarity) called the C’Mons. But unless they is Muppets, puppets is whack.

In my vain attempts to get into the mind set of the target demograph, I think these words:”So you’re doing a little puppetry, huh? That’s whack! Puppetry is whack! ‘Sup with the whack puppetry, ‘sup?! Huh? Come on, am I 19 or what?!”.

So anyway, as I was saying, I normally dismiss these adverts as “not really aimed at me” and “I’m too old for this shit“.

But in the latest advert Vauxhall have decided to push the boundaries of decency in so many ways….

One of the C’Mons (the Red one) has hired a prostitute for the *band* to enjoy. While he’s showering himself down after the event, the prostitute decides that the 20 quid she got for doing the dirty with a *band* of puppets wasn’t enough, so she steals the *bands* Corsa as a tip.

This goes down particularly badly with the Red puppet who has to wake the rest of the *band* enjoying a post-orgy nap (in the same bed) to chase after the prostitute. Each of the puppets tries to stop her but alas they all fail (they are just puppets after all). It’s only the Red one that succeeds. He runs out in front of the car, flags it down only for his towel to drop off him and his little puppet-penis (or the button or sequin or whatever is sown on there) to be revealed to the escort girl. He leaves her at the road side ruing the day she agreed to sleep with 5 puppets.

So that’s:

• Prostitution
• Human/Puppet Sex
• Puppet Orgy
• Puppet Nudity

Quite a lot of puppet based filth to cram into one advert.

But then, what the hell do I care? This adverts not aimed at me anyways.

Plus, this advert is whack!

Thanks to Wodge for submitting this bad ad.

What shit lives we all have. We all live in London or the ‘burbs. We eat and drink in miserable, near empty cafes. We work as car park attendants, sat by ourselves for 8 hours a day with just the Daily Mail for company. And worse, our shit world and shit lives have made our children so lethargic that the lie motionless on their beds staring out of the window.

In fact life, the world and, while we’re at it, the Universe are all just so shit that the only thing that we can now *desire* is the new Ford Mondeo.

This is the nihilistic vision that the Ford Motor Company have of the future.

The Ford Mondeo a car so bland that it is like a black hole on wheels, sucking all life into its vacuous centre as it drives by. “Pop!” There goes another set of eyeballs, wrenched from there sockets as an unwitting fool looks at Gordon the accountants new dark grey Mondeo (”It has alloy wheels and a rear spoiler plus a 6 CD auto changer, don’t you know” bores Gordon endlessly).

The only explanation that I can come up for Ford thinking that people will desire this middle-class, middle-management, middle-of-the-road, middle-finger affront to our existence is that Ford’s money problems are far worse than they have let on and they’ve decided that if they’re going down, they’re taking us with them.

What a selfish bunch they are.

Judge for yourself.

Thanks to Lee for submitting this Bad Ad and sending me the link to the video clip. Cheers mate.

Update

I know that quite a few people are keen to know what the music is that Ford use in this here Mondeo advert. Well, I’m reliably informed that it’s a song called “The Artifact And Living” (terrible spelling there, tsk!) by Michael Andrews. As Louise rightly points out below, it’s from the Donnie Darko soundtrack.

Oh, domestic bliss. How we all yearn for it. That’s why I love the MFI advert so much…

“WHAT TIME DO YOU CALL THIS?”

Whoa! Calm down love I was just trying to write a blog entry about the new MFI advert. I think it’s possible THE worst on TV at the moment. The way it displays the mechanics of family life in such a negative way really detracts from the products they’re trying to sell. It may well be ironical but it stinks like a month-old rancid turd on the 5th floor of an inner city car park stair well…

“WHERE’VE YOU BEEN?”

Arrrghh! I’m not sure I like your tone of voice but I was just in the kitchen now I’ve come through here to the computer I was just going to…

“WHAT YOU’VE BEEN DOING? DRINKING?”

No, no. What is this the Spanish Inquisition? I appreciate some of the reviews I write up here are a little sloppy but I’m never drunk when I write them, well almost never…

“WHERE ARE YOU GOING?”

Well, I can tell you where I’m not going MFI you miserable faced, badly dressed, rude as hell, MOTHER FUCKER! I don’t respond well to being shouted at!

Anyway as I was saying… Oh, sweet domestic bliss.

Judge for yourself

Update

Is it me or does this Ikea advert from 2002 remind you of anything?