It’s been a funny month here at TV’s Worst Adverts (obviously I’m not referring to any of the posts).

First of all we’ve had some comments left by actual TV advert actors. In this celebrity crazy society that we all live in, I think that counts as have actual somebody’s (I’m not calling the rest of you nobody’s but you know what I mean) reading this blog. Of course, when I say “reading this blog” I actually mean “Googling the adverts in which they appear” but they are welcome nonetheless.

We also had the great Foxy Bingo debate. Was there a fox in the original idea, wasn’t there a fox in the original idea; it got just too exciting for me to follow at points. Anyway, it turns out there wasn’t a fox but they have made lots of money. Good for them.

Finally the results. Well, would you believe it, it’s a tie again this month:

1. Dulco Ease - 4.88
2. H&M - 4.88
3. Ocean Finance - 4.75
4. OLAY - 4.57
5. Glade - 4.55
6. Halifax - 4.53
7. IAMS - 4.5
8. Churchill’s - 4.5
9. Clover - 4.38
10. Trident - 4.25

So, who to award the much coveted trophy to? Hmm, now let me think. Dulco Ease is the funniest/most jaw dropping advert that’s been on TV for years and the H&M one has ironically-named, spawn-of-Satan (not proven in court of law) Madonna in it….

Dulco Ease it is! Congratulations!

Do you know who I hate? White women. With their white little faces, and their shiny white legs. Oh and God don’t get me started on their glare inducing torsos. White women make me sick.

In fact, one day I saw one in the street and I was so horrified when I got home my wife said “You look like you’ve seen a ghost!”. “Worse,” I replied “I’ve just seen a white woman!”.

That’s why I’m so very glad that Johnson’s Holiday Skin is available on the market. Because we all know the only way to improve the average white woman is to turn her ever so slightly orange. Yeah, get a nice Dickinson going on her. A bit of an O’Connor (Des not Tom). See that mahogany dresser? Yeah, just like that please.

That’s what you’ve got to do because a hoard of tangerine beauties walking the streets would make this Country a better place.

Fortunately I’m obviously not the only one who thinks this either (can you imagine what a fool I’d feel if I were) because every other advert between the hours of 12pm and 4pm then again from 7pm to 9pm (women’s tv time) is for a moisturiser with self tan.

The beauty industry is on a crusade to eliminate the white women from the face of the Earth.

Thank fuck!

Obviously the real reason people do this is to make others think that they’ve just come back of an exotic holiday to the Caribbean. Even though all their mates know that they’ve only got a Saturday job in Boots and could in no way afford that holiday (not with 2 kids to look after anyway). Thanks to that 10% staff discount though they can easily afford a couple of gallons of Holiday Skin though.

Yes our own vanities strike again. Self-tan must be in the top 10 offences we can commit against our own bodies. We all think that it’s a dirty little secret too: “Ha ha! No one will know I self tan!”. But we all know you self tan.

In fact is there any question you can be asked that is more damaging to your self-esteem than “Do you self tan?”

So come on white women, put that bottle back on the shelf. There’s nothing wrong with being an English rose whose porcelain complexion is beyond beauty. There are, however, so many things wrong with looking like you’re wearing an EasyJet body suit.

Praise the Lord! This ad’s quality is oh so much better. A se7en style police detective plot with a pretty convincing Morgan Freeman look-a-like.

But you can’t polish a turd. And as long as the underlying message is still there the Lynx adverts will be in the running for the “Biggest Piece of Bullshit” on tele award.

In fact, I think the message may even be worse this time because they print it on the screen “Lynx Vice: Turns Nice Girls Naughty”. Some women are rightly outraged by the implication that nice girls don’t do dirty, horrible sex (eurgh) only dirty, horrible *slags* do. Will we ever tire of this hackneyed male “I’ll do things your wife wont do” fantasy that is not only degrading to women but it justifies the thoughts of the idiotic men who believe it to be true.

So come on Lynx, move on from this crap. Your telling us your product has improve fragrances, try having some improved morality when it comes to making adverts. Zoe left a great comment on the post for the Lynx Bom Chicka Wah Wah advert reminding us of your ad about the guy with gallons of sweat pumping from his pits: amusing, inoffensive, made it’s point well.

What happened to that brand of advertising?

Judge for yourself:

Here’s an advert for Lynx Vice from Ireland.

Some people are vain. That’s an undeniable fact. I present to the court exhibit A - Victoria Beckham.

But just how vain do Scholl think people are?

In their latest advert for cracked heel cream, there’s a women on an escalator who is embarrassed to be seen in public because she has cracked heels!

Jesus H Christ! What a crime against all things decent! Cracked heels you say? She should be publicly burned, the crack-heeled Witch!

Come on Scholl, give us a break. As if life isn’t hard enough without having to worry about whether the person behind me on the escalator is going to vomit down the back of my trousers because of a scabby bit of skin on my foot.

Whatever next? Public humiliation for having a bit of flaky skin on your scalp? Oh no, hang on, that is very humiliating. Well, whatever. My advice (obviously as a trained podiatrist) if it hurts, get some cream, if it doesn’t, forget about it.

The first time the new Motorola Moto Z8 advert came on the TV I thought “Film of horses through the ages; it’s gonna be for a car”. But it’s not for a car. Then it takes that film of horses from the movies twist, so maybe it’s for the Equine Stutman’s Society. But it’s not for the Equine Stuntman’s Society. Well maybe, as it’s finishing with a high tech horse film, they’re making a live action film version of BraveStarr? But they’re not making a live action film version of BraveStarr.

Before the advert finished I’d lost interest, day-dreaming about Thirty-thirty and Sarah Jane. So I didn’t find out what the advert was for. It took a few more watches for the disappointment of BraveStarr to wear off before I realised it was for a mobile phone. Only to be even more disappointed:

From what I read, it’s actually showing the development in the quality of film through the history of cinema. The horse is just a theme, albeit a theme that Lloyds Bank has used in it’s adverts for many years.

My problem with the advert is again more of a problem with the product. The next step from latest Hollywood blockbuster film is not watch a film on your mobile. Anyone who has watched a video on a mobile knows that it’s always a terrible waste of time. The screen on a mobile is just too small to make it worth it’s while.

Plus you inevitably end up looking like King of the Nerds because YOU’RE WATCHING A FILM ON YOUR MOBILE PHONE! If you doubt this to be true, here a little test. How long have portable DVD players been out, yet when you see someone watch a film in public you still think “Loser!”. Am I wrong? (OK, that’s possibly closely followed by “What are you watching” but you still think “Loser” first.)

So, nice use of horses but it would be better if it were for the BraveStarr movie.

Do you know what I really hate about doing shits?

It’s not that I always have to do one when I get to the in-laws’ house and that their toilet is right next to the living room so everyone can hear me straining (I know this to be true, I have heard others *plop*). And it’s not that thanks to my diet of pie, chips and brown ale that passing a stool is more difficult than squeezing Barry Austen through a turnstiles at St Andrews.

It’s that my shit doesn’t smell of the sweetest rose but of, quite frankly, shit.

Here’s a funny thing, some times I do ones that smell so bad I actually lose the ability to speak and I can only communicate through the use of rudimentary drawings.

Unbelievable but true.

Here’s one I passed (no pun intended) to the good lady wife just the other day:

We keep all my poo related notes on the refrigerator door, you know, next to my Wanking-Olympics winner’s rosettes, and that picture of me with Bernard Manning.

Oh, the memories.

I thought that I was the only one that suffered from dump-dumbness until I saw the Kid in the Glade Touch and Fresh advert:

I can’t tell you how relieved I was as I watched the kid slip the note under the door. Actually I can tell you. I was as relieved as I was when I finally broke the two week constipation that had my back door locked tight after a trip to Minsk in ‘99. Mighty relieved.

Anyway, hats-off to Glade for trying to help cure me of my complaint, but you know what, I think I might keep doing the notes anyway. Yeah, you’d be surprised at how much fun doing crayon drawings is, particularly with your trousers down….

Note: This TVs Worst Adverts article was dubbed from the original Cantonese.

Thanks to Donna for submitting this Bad Ad.