Here’s the new advert for the Mazda 2:

Now to the untrained eye that might seem like the video to the White Stripes’ 7 Nation Army.

But it’s not.

It’s categorically and most definitely not.

Judge for yourself.

If the ones who left comments on the Clubland Xtreme Hardcore 4 TV’s Worst Adverts’ entry are anything to go by, your average Hardcore fan is a humourless, souless, near-illiterate, irony-free and presumably deaf bore - much like a certain someone who writes a blog about bad TV adverts.

It’s not just Silky Shitbiscuit they’ve something in common with, though. They’re much like Ross Kemp too - because the only emotions they can express are happiness or anger.

Which is why the release of Clubland Xtreme Hardcore 5 must have been an emotional bungee jump for them:

A new album of your favourite music is always something to be happy about.

But soon that happiness will turn to anger when they hear that Clubland Xtreme Hardcore 5 is the “only hardcore album you need” making them feel pretty foolish about buying the previous 4 Clubland Xtreme Hardcore albums.

But as they’re giving it large, possibly after having paid £30 for several hours top quality frottaging at the NEC, possibly whilst doing the ironing at home, the anger is replaced by some Hixxy, Styles and Breeze tuned happiness.

But it wont last.

If this is the only hardcore album that they need, what should they do when Clubland Xtreme Hardcore 6 is released?

Blimey, thinking their way through this commercial conundrum is bound to make them angry again.

You know what it’s like - you’ve had a hard day writing, directing and starring in your latest high-minded, holier-than-thou tirade against a social injustice - or Ocean’s 14, to give it its proper title - and you’re really, really gagging for a Nespresso.

Well, as luck has it, you’re just round the corner of your local Nespresso shop. What are the chances?

Ahh, browsing rack after rack of your favourite Nespresso capsule blends is truly one of the last bastions of humanity, isn’t it?

Just one problem; the shop’s full of beautiful, yet sycophantic, women. Will these damned sauce-pots not just leave you alone to enjoy the art of the espresso?

That’s life though, I suppose!

Yes, this is Sir George Clooney starring in the latest Nescafe Nespresso advert - what else?

And seeing as George is the most intelligent, sophisticated and charming whore-bag working in Hollywod today it seems natural that Nespresso has saddled him up, mounted him and whipped his bare buttocks with the giant greenback riding crop in the hope that some of our George-lust will rub off on their coffee machines - although not literally, of course.

That’s a latte noone wants to drink. 

A great plan, I think you’ll agree, except for the the fact that Nespresso machines are as sophisticated as an evening of Lambrini fuelled jelly wrestling round at Kerry Katona’s house.

Or maybe slightly less cruelly, Nespresso machanies are the coffee equivalent of a box of wine. Yes, it looks like wine - except it’s coffee - and it tastes like wine - except it’s coffee - but the only people who would willingly have one on their kitchen worktop are aspirational chavs.

Anyways, I fancied a bit of chav coffee quaffing action, Cloonster style, so I popped down to my local Whittard Of Chelsea shop but all the windows were boarded up and instead of a hoard of extremely attractive women there was just a piss soaked tramp asleep in the doorway.

That’s life though, I suppose.

So here it is, the winner of the Worst Advert of 2008 vote - the DFS Nickleback advert:

As a testament to how much you hated this handful of advertising monkey crap that DFS threw at us in 2008, it received a massive amount of the vote: nearly twice as much as the Slim Fast advert in second place.

So many congratulations to DFS for their success and a big thanks to all those who voted.

Cheers, Silky.

There was an advert a few years ago for the fast food restaurant Wimpy. It went something like this:

“Wimpy is a fast food restaurant with a difference. We have tables and chairs, knives and forks and your food is brought to you on a plate by a waitress.”

Which, obviously, sounds “Wow” but is, in fact, just like every other non-fast-food restaurant in the country, then.

But with worse food.

Which brings me to the latest Pringles advert in which a bunch of failed actors doing a very bad job of pretending to be “real” people try the brand new Pringles Select crisps:

My favourite bit is when the reject from the cast of Coupling says:

“Wow! Crisps? In a bag? How the fuck did you think of that?”

Magic.

Yeah, Pringles have taken the one thing that helped make their crisps stand out, their tube, and thrown it in the bin.

This is possibly because Pringles think that posh people - after all, this is the posh Pringle aimed at posh people who shop at posh John Lewis - are simply too posh to “pop” the lid on the chavy old tube - although I’m fairly certain that their butlers’ aren’t too posh.

So, despite what Pringles have been telling us for all these years, it seems you can “stop popping” after all.

Thanks to Gordon for submitting this bad ad.

There are some advertisers, I’m looking at you Omega, who seem to believe that their products are something of a landmark in the evolution of the human race. Rather than, say, just an over-priced piece of jewellery.

Philips - come on, you’ve heard of Philips, the ones who make clock radios, hair dryers and, to my surprise, sex toys - have now joined those ranks. 

In their latest advert a portentous, voice over man proclaims:

“Conquered the skies. Conquered Mount Everest. Conquered the Neck.”

Conquered.

The.

Neck.

For the love of God, man, pull yourself together!

From the way Philips are going on about their new electric razor, you’d think they’ve found a cure for AIDS.

It’s just breath takingly pompous.

This ad, of course, is all about brand positioning - or some other nonsense phrase - in which Philips want us to believe that buying one of their new Arcitec razors - terrible, terrible name, by the way Philips - we’ll become the, mind bogglingly bizarre, love-child of Sir Edmund Hillary and the Wright Brothers rather than some overly anal metrosexual, who gives an wholy unnecessary toss about whether their necks are a little bit stubbly.

On the other hand “Conquered the neck” cracks me up every time I hear that idiot say it.

So in balance, good work Philips.

“God, I love being a priest. We’re all going to heaven lads, wheeeyyyyyy!”

No run-up to the festive season would be complete without being subjected to some of the most mind bendingly god-awful perfume and aftershave adverts that TV has to offer.

So, just in case you aren’t sick enough of them already, here’s TV’s Worst Adverts top 5 worst perfume ads of 2008:

5 - Davidoff Cool Water with Josh Holloway

“Ooh look, it’s that bloke off Lost in the sea without his shirt on. I wonder if my muscles would be that big if I wore Davidoff Cool Water?”

Guff.

4 - Davidoff Adventure with Ewan McGregor

This one’s filed under “Biggest Sell Out of 2008″. Shame on you for this guff, Ewan.

3 - Davidoff Cool Water Women with Evangeline Lilly

“Ooh look! It’s that bird off Lost! In a swimsuit!”

Rounding off the Davidoff Holy Trinity of Guff is the Cool Water Woman advert in which quite literally NOTHING happens. What. So. Ever.

Taking lazy to a whole new level.

2 - Gucci by Gucci - David Lynch

To a sound track of Blondie, this hypnotic blur of light, colour and grown women stroking giant bottles of perfume is directed by Hollywood’s Nut Job in Chief David Lynch.

This advert cold just as easily be for permanent marker pens - which you wouldn’t put past Lynch.

1 - Chanel No 5 with Nicole Kidman

Despite the fact that Nicole and I will one day be married, her performance in this Chanel advert - that reportedly cost $102 million to make, by the way - is something we’re going to have to have a serious talk about.

As she appears in the dinner jacket and hams her way through the lines: “I’m a dancer. I love to dance!” makes me cringe so hard my boys go back inside the barracks.

An advert that’s as bad as it is long.

Any Other Business?

So that’s the TWA Top 5, if you’ve got any additons feel free to leave them in the comments below.

“Do you remember when you said you’d never buy a Renault?”

No, me neither.

In fact I don’t know anyone who’s ever said that.

What a load of toss.

Thanks to Bryn for submitting this bad ad.

Yes, it’s that time of year when every second rate, written by idiots, advertising publication runs it’s “Worst Advert of 2008″ poll.

This year TWA is offering you 10 fine choices for worst advert of 2008 from the TV’s Worst Adverts hilarious archive.

But rather than a panel of luminaries from the World of Advertising picking the top 10 for you to vote on, I showed the adverts to my dog and used the howl-ometer to get the finalists. I guessed it was probably just the same.

Anyways, here’s what he’s picked for you:

• Slim Fast - Fruity Tootie
• Davidoff - Adventure with Ewan McGregor
• Ford Focus - Beautifully Arranged
• L’Oreal - Pierce Brosnan
• HSA - Hey Just Say
• Garnier Nutrisse - Davina McCall
• Acorn Stairlifts
• Coors Light - Hear Me Now!
• DFS - Nickleback Rockstar
• Kelloggs - Dame Kelly Holmes

Just in case the full horror of the adverts haven’t been forever burnt onto your retinas I’ve very kindly linked to their TWA entry.

So you’ve no excuse not to vote now, have you?

Voting will close, rather arbitrarily, at Midnight on December 27th and I’ll let you have the result before the New Year.

So, get voting!